How can I tell he is the one?

 Am I missing the signs, what should I be looking for? (Photo: Courtesy)

Hi Chris,

I am definitely the marrying kind, and so I have been looking for the right man to settle down with. I have had several promising boyfriends over the years, but somehow, I always knew that I did not want to marry any of them.

Even though we had a good time together, and they were never unfaithful, I am not even sure why I did not want to marry any of them. And how does a girl know when she has found ‘the one,’ anyway?

What should I be looking for? Am I missing the signs? Will I know when I have found him, or will he just slip through my fingers?

Searching for the One

Chris says,

Hi, Searching for the One!

You will definitely know when you have found ‘the one!’ Obviously, there won’t be any red flags like weird behaviour, abuse or insecurity between you.

You will also start to see some far subtler signs that you are meant for each other. For instance, you will start saying, “I love you” a lot. You will feel able to express your views, and discuss issues instead of fighting about them or feeling afraid to bring them up.

You will find yourselves talking about your next steps together, instead of secretly wondering whether or not to take them.

There is honesty and trust. And your time together is focused on each other, building the relationship on each other’s strengths. You will be as independent as you want, and yet still emotionally open and available to each other.

Each is able to spend time alone, or with other people, because you are both secure in your relationship. Neither of you is constantly worrying about what the other is up to.

People who make an issue about independence are usually just selfish and afraid of intimacy, anyway.

There are also some things that will happen with ‘the one’ that you won’t expect. There will still be moments of doubt, but you won’t find yourself worrying about whether you are in love anymore - because obsessing over love really means you know you do not have it.

And so most of your doubts will come from having no idea what love is really like. So what does it feel like? Well, it is much more about feeling at peace than being swept off your feet.

There will be lots of passion, of course. But that is not love. You will know that ‘this is it’ when you realise you care just as much about your partner as you do about yourself.

Alongside all that hot sexy desire is a depth of warmth and openness that you have never experienced before. And as you realise that, everything will start to feel completely unreal. From the fear of “does he love me?” to “OMG, this is it!” Then you will know, and your life will never be the same again.

All the best,

Chris