A child who experiences frequent outbursts and finds it difficult to calm down after distress, therefore throwing toys around, hitting others, shutting down, or feeling restless, is seen as undisciplined.
However, psychologist Faith Nyoike says that happens when a child struggles to understand and manage strong feelings. While occasional meltdowns are normal, intense reactions are a sign of emotional dysregulation.
“The tantrum is an emotion, but the child doesn’t understand what is happening inside them,” she observes.
As essential as it is to provide food and shelter, teaching a child emotional regulation is just as important, she says, as it helps prevent or resolve many challenges later in life.
Emotional regulation is the ability to recognise feelings, process them and respond in healthy ways. Faith notes that a child begins to experience strong emotions at the ages of two, and this makes it a time to start teaching how to regulate them.
Parents and caregivers can effectively do so by handling their own emotions healthily, since a child learns from what they observe.
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“A dysregulated adult means that they react, and when they do, a child also reacts, and it becomes a chain reaction,” she says.
When it comes to adults handling conflicts, she explains that a child should see the full cycle of emotional regulation. They should see parents feel upset, calm down and resolve conflict in healthy ways.
A child who sees adults apologise after disagreements, cry without shame, and disagree respectfully learns that emotions are natural and manageable.
“Parents should consistently model regulated emotions. They should avoid inconsistency, where they regulate one day and then explode the next,” she says.
Aside from modelling emotional regulation, parents' and caregivers' comforting a crying child and helping them breathe deeply to release emotion is already teaching regulation. As a child grows older, parents can introduce cues such as noticing physical signs of emotions and expressing needs with words.
“Teach them to name feelings such as sadness, anger, disappointment, and frustration. Then let them know feelings are normal,” she advises.
She further recommends adults to hug a child and affirm to them that you are there to help them process their emotions, thus helping them feel safe, instead of punishing them.
Adults, Faith observes, unintentionally punish emotions by scolding a child for crying or dismissing them. This teaches one to hide feelings instead of managing them.
“Don’t shame, don’t gaslight. When you sit down with a child and hug them, you teach them they are still loved even when they cry,” she advises.
Another mistake is using screens to stop a child from crying. Handing a child a phone every time they cry may stop the noise in the moment, but it can prevent them from learning self-soothing skills.
If you give them a phone to stop crying, she notes, they become dependent on that dopamine response. The moment you take it away, they react again.
Teachers also play a critical role since children spend much of their day in classrooms. When conflicts arise, they can guide children through calming strategies and reflective conversations instead of ridicule or harsh punishment.
“It begins with teachers being emotionally regulated themselves. Some schools now include counsellors or psychologists and emotional learning programs to support students,” she says.
The benefits of emotional regulation are many; a child who is taught to regulate emotions is better able to express themselves, build healthy relationships, recover from difficult situations, learn empathy and patience, and know how to navigate social settings.
“A child will learn that big feelings do not mean losing control. They can cry without screaming, feel angry without throwing things, and feel disappointed without harming others,” she says.
By contrast, a child who is not taught emotional regulation may grow into an adult who struggles with intense feelings, conflict, communication and self-control.
Faith points out that many deviant and unlawful behaviours in adulthood and personality disorders like narcissism stem from emotional dysregulation. Sometimes, how an adult reacts depicts what they learned or displayed in their childhood.
“For instance, one of the reasons for femicide is a man who couldn’t handle feelings of rejection, and that is emotional dysregulation,” she says.
Some emotional outbursts are part of normal development, especially in toddlers and pre-teens. However, persistent aggression, extreme withdrawal, bullying, isolation, or behaviour that seems out of proportion could mean deeper emotional struggles.
Other signs of dysregulation are frequent mood swings, intense feelings, impulsivity, and inability to form and maintain friendships.
If behaviours become unmanageable or affect school life, she says professional support can help. Therapy, including play or art therapy for a child, can offer safer ways to express feelings they cannot yet put into words.
“Children do not need to be taught to stop feeling; they need to be taught how to feel safely. There are comfortable feelings and uncomfortable feelings. Both are part of being human,” she says.