Teaching children selflessness without losing boundaries

Imagine this: you finally buy your child a toy they’ve been asking for. Before they even get the chance to play with it, another child asks for a turn. Normally, your child is generous and quick to share, but this time, they hesitate. They clutch the toy and say, “I really want to play with it myself.”

In this moment, parents face a challenge. Giving is a value most would like to instil early, but so is self-respect. Teaching children selflessness without boundaries can turn into pressure, where a child feels obliged to sacrifice their needs for others. On the other hand, teaching only boundaries without compassion risks raising children who are unwilling to consider anyone else. 

Nancy Ndanu, a mother of four, says she works to balance the two in her household. She encourages her children to serve others and be compassionate, but makes it clear they also need to look after themselves.

“I always remind them that you can’t pour from an empty cup,” she says.

Her children, she explains, come to her when they want to share what they have with others. If they want to give a snack to a friend, they ask her to pack extra.

“My children ask me to pack additional snacks so they can share with others. They know that when they are young, their resource for that is me,” Nancy says.

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But sometimes she isn’t able to. In those cases, she explains that the food they have is only enough for them. That, she says, is just as important a lesson as giving within your capacity. She makes a distinction between material possessions, which are limited, and acts of service, which aren’t.

“Acts of service can’t be exhausted the way objects can,” she says.

For Nancy, sibling relationships also provide lessons on sharing. Her children, spaced three years apart, don’t always enjoy the same activities. Her eldest daughter, for example, is passionate about music, so Nancy bought her some instruments. When the younger ones want to play with them, Nancy lets her daughter decide.

“If she doesn’t want to share, I tell her not to be rude but to explain why. I also advise her not to put it in their faces but to go play in another room instead,” she says.

This approach, Nancy explains, respects both sides: her daughter’s autonomy and her other children’s curiosity. It also helps them navigate resolving challenges around wanting what belongs to another in their own way.

She admits there are moments of power struggles. In those cases, she steps in. But she believes those struggles matter because they set a foundation for how her children will understand generosity and autonomy in the future.

Monica Ahadi, who is raising a six-year-old daughter, faces a similar challenge. She wants her child to grow up kind and generous, but not to the point of being taken advantage of.

Her daughter, she says, often shares pencils with classmates who don’t have them. It’s important to Monica that she knows when she shares, she’s genuinely helping someone. But she also recognises that her daughter tends to over-give. To counter that, she teaches her to always leave something for herself.

“She’s an over-giver, so I tell her that it’s okay to say no sometimes,” Monica explains. “I tell her if she doesn’t want to share, that’s fine, but she should only say no if she means it. I wouldn’t force her to give away anything.”

Monica has also drawn clear lines. One of them: her daughter’s piggy bank is strictly off-limits. “That’s something I’ve told her never to share with anyone,” she says.

She hopes that her daughter grows up with both values, generosity and self-protection. “I want her to carry generosity into adulthood, but also know she doesn’t need to please anyone. She can speak her mind,” Monica says.

Sociologist Dr Kiemo Karatu says these are exactly the lessons children need. According to him, selflessness is a valuable social skill, but without boundaries, it can expose children to harm.

“Selflessness lets children know they don’t need to hoard everything. It helps them build and manage relationships,” he says.

He notes that children start to grasp these ideas early in life. But, he adds, the instinct to hold on tightly to what’s theirs usually comes before the instinct to share.

“Sharing builds and maintains relationships. That’s why children look forward to each other’s birthdays or enjoy exchanging gifts,” he says.

The challenge, Dr Kiemo explains, is in the extremes. If children give too much or put others first without considering themselves, they risk losing their sense of identity, being misused, and becoming vulnerable to manipulation. When they put others first, they lose themselves, and there’s also a worry if there isn’t reciprocity from their friends.

Parents, he argues, can distinguish between teaching generosity and people-pleasing.

“Parents can separate the two by teaching the purpose of giving,” he says, suggesting making the reasons clear.

“If you’re giving away old clothes, tell them there’s a disadvantaged community that will benefit from them. That way, they understand why they’re giving, not just that they have to give.”

Teaching children to say no is also part of the process. According to him, many children fear saying no because they think they’ll be scolded or punished. It’s the parents’ responsibility to raise children who share reasonably but aren’t people pleasers, he says.

Dr Kiemo also warns against practices that undermine autonomy. For instance, he advises parents not to force children to hug people if they don’t want to, as it makes them lose body autonomy and blurs their sense of boundaries. 

Ultimately, Dr Kiemo believes that children who are taught both selflessness and boundaries will be more confident and secure in their relationships.

“A child who learns these lessons will be more stable in how they give. They will not over-give, and they will not be manipulated,” he says.

Children who are conditioned to over-give in their early years and get the parents’ approval after doing so may end up as adults who have poor boundaries with their generosity and use the same method to seek approval later in life. Such people tend to have guilt in saying no, are likely to self-abandon and become co-dependent, forego self-care practices, sacrifice their happiness, and may end up feeling empty or used. At the other end of the spectrum, children who exhibit selfish tendencies may end up as entitled and self-centred adults.

For parents like Nancy and Monica, this balance is something they continue to work on every day. The goal, they say, isn’t to raise children who always give or children who always keep. It’s to raise children who know when to give, when to hold back, and why both choices matter.