Help! I think my boyfriend is gay

Help! I think my boyfriend is gay (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

I've been going out for a long time with a really nice guy. He's sensitive, we can talk about anything for hours, and I love him to bits. Even our sex life is totally brilliant. Often deeply emotional, but also exciting and even a bit kinky!

I was as happy as I could be, until one day, a friend made a remark about how 'everyone knows he's gay.' I was amazed, very upset, and in total denial for a while. But then I started to notice a few things about him that made me wonder.

But is it really possible? Am I imagining things? How can I be sure?

Might He Be Gay?

Chris says,

Hi, Might He Be Gay?

Very few people know that most gay men are actually bisexual, and enjoy relationships with women. In fact, they tend to be highly skilful at every stage in their male/female relationships, so it's surprisingly common for a woman not to realise that her wonderful boyfriend is gay.

Most people find that idea simply unbelievable. But it's true. Because just like everyone else, gay men vary a lot. Some are showy and effeminate, many are completely unremarkable, and others are athletic and masculine.

So there isn't a simple list of foolproof 'clues,' but here are a few suggestions to help you decide.

Like most men avoid feminine body language, mannerisms and gestures. So watch out if your boyfriend has a certain way about him.

Most women wish their men were more caring and affectionate. But if your man's unduly emotional and sensitive, then that's another hint.

Straight men are usually pretty laid back about their appearance. Gay men tend to be more fastidious and are choosy about soaps and shampoos. Though there are also plenty of gay men who are total slobs!

Be wary if your man has a lot of male friends that you never seem to get to know. Maybe he crashes at his friend's place far too often. Or you feel like you're missing something whenever they're talking around you. Or they exchange expensive or excessively personal gifts.

Girls often sweet-talk each other. Guys just don't. Never ever. So be suspicious if you see any sign of flirty behaviour directed at another man.

The sexual behaviour of both straight and gay men is just too varied to be any sort of sign on its own. But one of the strongest indications is an interest in gay porn. People watch porn to be aroused, so it's highly suspicious if watching other men have sex excites them.

If your suspicions keep building, how should you react? Cautiously to begin with. Don't rush into a confrontation.

You'll probably want to end your relationship. And either way, you'll struggle to come to terms with what you've discovered. And to forgive him. So consider talking everything through with a good counsellor.

All the best,

Chris