Mother's Day illusions: The highs and lows of grieving women

For grieving mothers, Mother’s Day brings painful memories of children lost but never forgotten. [iStockphoto]

While many families across the world marked this year’s Mother's Day with flowers, laughter and cheerful mother`s celebration tributes both on social media platforms, while others were wished by their kids in person, for some women, the day arrived wrapped in silence, grief, unbearable emptiness and painful memories of children they never got to raise.

Behind smiles forced for family gatherings, work and worship places, or any other place, are mothers carrying invisible grief, women whose children are no longer alive, yet whose motherhood never died with them. Still mothers but only through memories.

For these women, Mother’s Day is not about breakfast in bed, hugs from children or family photos shared online. It is about staring at empty bedrooms, scrolling through old photographs, dusting the portraits on their walls and remembering voices that no longer echoed through their homes.

And although society often forgets them once the funeral ends, they insist on one thing: “they are still mothers and deserve, if not to be celebrated, then to celebrate themselves”.

For 27-year-old Faith Naliaka*, this was her first Mother’s Day without her newborn baby. After months of preparing to welcome her first child, she says the joy turned into heartbreak during delivery.

“I had already bought his clothes and prepared a small corner for him in the house,” she recalls softly. “I kept imagining how I would hold him on Mother’s Day. Instead, I spent the day staring at his tiny clothes in my room and his portrait beside my bed as I got overwhelmed when people wished me happy Mother`s Day with some gifting me,” Naliaka narrates emotionally.

Faith says complications during labour led to the baby’s death moments before birth. Since then, she describes life as emotionally exhausting, filled with mixed reactions, especially when people around her continue celebrating motherhood.

People tell you to be strong, but nobody teaches you how to mourn a child you wholeheartedly loved and adored but never got to take home.

“Love does not end because death happened,” says Naliaka. “I still talk about my child every single day. I still celebrate birthdays. I still pray for him. That is motherhood, too.”

She says the pain becomes heavier during celebrations such as Mother’s Day, when social media and public spaces are filled with messages of joy. However, she added that this did not stop her from celebrating herself.

“Losing my child never stopped me from being a mother, in fact, I am m a proud one. Whenever I introduce myself, I embrace motherhood; he made me a mother. Death did not take that away,” she emphasised.

In another corner of the city, 28-year-old Jennifer Atieno also faced a painful Mother’s Day after losing her pregnancy at five months.

Atieno says she had already started feeling her baby kick and had even settled on names before she suffered a miscarriage earlier this year.

“That was not just a pregnancy to me. That was my child,” she says. “Losing the baby at five months broke me in ways I cannot explain.”

She says many people often dismiss miscarriages, especially when the child was never born alive.

“Some people told me I can still try again, but that does not erase the loss,” Atieno says. “A mother still grieves the child she had already connected with.”

Another mother, Anne Wairimu, says she has been in marriage for more than six years, battling infertility; many Mother`s Day celebrations have passed; she wishes she could be celebrated as well.

“Motherhood is not only defined by having grown children who can be seen or celebrate you on such days, but as long as you were able to conceive but due to some reasons you lost your pregnancy at whichever stage, or your baby died during delivery, or a few hours days or months after delivery you are still a mum, we need to embrace ourselves,” she narrates.

She says early this year, when she was told by her doctor she was expecting, she did not believe, she was excited and thanked God for answering her prayers.

“Upon learning that I was expectant, I gave thanks to God in a special way, bearing in mind that I will not be humiliated again by people; instead, I will be respected. All I went through for the past six years had come to an end, but three months later, my joy was cut short. For this one, I don’t know if I will get over it, and I won’t lie, time does not do anything; it actually worsens the situation,” she narrates with tears rolling down her face.

According to counselling psychologist Joseph Wahothi, women who lose children during pregnancy or delivery often suffer in silence due to stigma and lack of emotional support.

He argues that society should create more space for grieving mothers to speak openly about pregnancy loss and stillbirths without judgment.

For many grieving mothers, the pain lies not only in losing a child but also in feeling invisible afterwards. Society often struggles to speak about child loss, leaving many women isolated in silence. Some avoid public celebrations altogether. Others stay away from church services and family gatherings filled with children and joyful tributes.

“When people celebrate motherhood, they rarely think about mothers carrying grief,” says counselling psychologist Wahothi. “Yet losing a child is one of the deepest emotional wounds a person can experience.”

According to psychologists, grief triggered during celebrations such as Mother’s Day can reopen emotional wounds even years after a loss. The pressure to appear strong often forces grieving mothers to suppress emotions that never truly disappear.

“People tell mothers to be strong, to pray, to move on,” Wahothi explains. “But grief is not something you finish. It changes form, but it remains part of you.”

Across Kenya and around the world, support groups for bereaved parents are slowly helping women speak openly about child loss and grief. Through counselling, community support and remembrance events, many mothers are finding spaces where their pain is acknowledged rather than ignored.

Some plant trees in memory of their children. Others keep birthday rituals alive, light candles or preserve bedrooms untouched for years.

For many, remembrance becomes a way of continuing motherhood.

He says that child loss is one of the deepest forms of grief; the baby/child is not known to many except the mother and close relatives. Small babies might not have a lot of exposure and they're little known to others; the less the connection, the lesser the disconnection effect.

 He added that the grieving mothers should be supported during celebrations like Mother`s Day, showing them empathy and not sympathy. Empathy is allowing them to be, without judging them, offering the support they need, like expressing feelings and emotions without feeling their pain.

Psychology says pain and memories can last for about two years; that is, memories attached to strong feelings, the loss might never be forgotten but the pain can reduce or disappear after two years, when the memories are not that painful. It is, however, individualised.

“No life can be forgotten, however, even therapy doesn't wipe; instead, it is meant to manage it healthily,” he says.