Happy co-wives

By Kenan Miruka

While polygamy was freely practiced in our traditional societies, the advent of Christianity and modern financial realities today mean not many people plan to join such unions.

Many women dread the prospect of entering a polygamous union and instances of men hiding secret families from their first wives out of fear are hardly uncommon.

Usually, women in a polygamous marriage live together but with a lot of suspicion and rivalry, which sometimes turns into hatred. Some, however, have learnt to live with each other and even become friends.

Nancy Nyambeki and Nancy Nyasuguta wives to Wilfred Nyakundi. They say they now view each other more as sisters than co-wives.

Nancy Nyasuguta, 31, and her co-wife Nancy Nyambeki, 25, have been married to Wilfred Nyakundi, 38, for the last seven and five years respectively.

Nyasuguta operates her husband’s butchery at Getare market while Nyambeki sells groceries outside the same butchery. They are all happy.

Nyasuguta, a mother of three and the first wife, was livid when she first learnt her husband was having a secret liaison with her current co-wife.

Attacks

"Initially I treated news about the union as baseless rumours. I felt bad and even attacked her and burnt her clothes at a rented premise, but later, after soul searching, I realised we were all losers," recalls Nyasuguta with a chuckle.

She says her husband decided to build for her a house at their home ending the row.

"We talked and I told my husband it was his choice. We agreed that he ensures that we are well catered for at all times and so far it has worked. He has balanced everything including resources so we have no quarrel," adds Nyasuguta.

Nyambeki, a mother of two, says she was aware of her husband’s marital status before entering the union.

"Wilfred and I had this relationship but things got serious when I got pregnant. We decided to formalise the relationship and despite the initial conflict, we are now happy. Nyasuguta and I seldom remember we are co-wives as we treat each other as sisters," says Nyambeki.

She says the secret to their success is openness and constant communication.

"We try not to hide our feelings. Our husband has helped by being fair," Nyambeki observes.

Her marriage has, however, not been without challenges. Her parents resisted and accused her of wrecking a family before her father finally accepted the reality. Today he respects Wilfred as his son-in-law.

Patience

"Nyasuguta and I share tasks at home before moving to the shopping centre for business. If I have visitors we join hands in hosting them," Nyambeki says.

Nyasuguta concurs with her co-wife adding that disputes occasionally arise like in any family, but they solve them with the help of their husband.

"You need to be patient and understanding to succeed in this. What matters is the future, and mutual respect is key," Nyasuguta counsels.

Their husband, Wilfred, who is a businessman in real estate, says he did not plan to be polygamous but he has learnt to accept it.

"I love my wives and they respect me. At first, my first wife resisted and even reported me to the chief for having a relationship on the side but I stood my ground. I asked the chief what law I had broken and he had no answer," says Wilfred.

Not easy

While conceding that he would not advise any man to be polygamous, he says there is no need to hide a secret relationship as it will be known in the end and that has its consequences.

"There is no need to hide, but be sure you can provide for these families with the current financial realities. Their children have to go to school, they have to eat and dress and that is no mean feat," he avers.

Wilfred says he strives to be fair and balanced in sharing resources and ideas with his wives.

For Fred Marwa, a matatu driver in Migori, becoming a polygamist was an accident.

"I married immediately after secondary school then I left in search of employment at a tea estate in Nandi Hills. There, I got into a relationship with this girl and it got serious when she got pregnant," says Fred.

He was forced to reveal the secret to his first wife.

"It was hard at first but I explained and she accepted. They are now happy together save for the normal family disagreements," Fred adds.

He, however, says it is challenging satisfying the two for they always remain suspicious of each other.

The law

The practice of polygamy is today recognised under customary law. Lawyer Julius Ondika says the new Constitution allows for registration of polygamous marriages, but the man has to first seek the consent of the first wife before entering into the second marriage.

Zipporah Osoro, a teacher, says polygamy is fine as long as the man can manage to balance fairly between the two wives.

"In some cultures like the Luos, there are no stereotypes against the second wife. All the wives accept and respect each other. I think it is a good idea for a man to bring a wife home instead of having a secret affair," adds Zipporah.

Peninah Sang, a banker in Kitale, however, says the coming of the second wife demeans the first one, particularly when the man shows preference to the younger wife.

Men marry second or third wives for a range of reasons. In most cultures, infertility is often enough justification. It was also viewed as a better alternative to divorce and as a way of adding more hands to improve the economy of the household.