Obituaries are one of the stages of grief- Psychologist

The process of writing an obituary is one of the stages of grief, says Kenneth Kariuki, a Psychologist with Hisia Psychology Consultants.

“It’s a coping mechanism. It is one of the stages of grief; after denial and anger, you get to bargaining, and with bargaining, you try to look at the good side of that person. You remember all the good facts, even if they may not be very factual.”

“Obituaries are rarely realistic. People don’t write the negative things. Most of them feature visual memories. But we are more than those random incidents that happen.”

As the bereaved, you are unlikely to remember the deceased wholly or even logically, Kariuki adds.

“It is an emotional experience, which is why obituaries are not very detailed. Grief is not logical, it is emotional.”

It is because of this that we notice some obituaries more than others.

“An obituary stands out when it goes against this emotional grain. That’s when people notice, when it does more than just present facts.”

“The people who are grieving have to think about the audience. Their relationship with the deceased comes out, too, as they write it. If they were not very close, they are likelier to present bare facts. If they were very close, it will be a more emotional obituary.”

It is also true, according to Kariuki, that we have a tendency to sanitise our dead.

“This is normal with grief.You want to remain with the good memories, things that make you feel good about the person. You will often ignore the negatives. It’s a part of coming to terms with the loss.