There comes a quiet moment, often somewhere between the busyness of one life chapter and the mystery of the next, when you realise that the person you have been no longer feels like you. The music that once defined you now plays faintly in the background. The friendships that used to anchor you drift into polite distance. Even your reflection seems to hold a question you cannot quite name.
Nothing dramatic has happened. You have not failed. You are simply pausing, caught between the comfort of the familiar and the pull of something new. It is a strange and tender space that asks for stillness in a world that celebrates constant motion. This is the identity pause, that quiet stretch where growth hums beneath the surface, waiting for you to listen.
It does not always announce itself. Often it slips in quietly, disguised as fatigue, restlessness, or disinterest. You wake up one morning and realise that the life you built, the job, the routines, the ambitions, no longer fits quite right. The rhythm of your days feels slightly offbeat.
Psychologists call this a transitional identity phase, a period when the self begins to reshape. A 2021 study in the Journal of Adult Development found that adults who allowed themselves time to reflect and realign during such phases reported greater life satisfaction in the years that followed. It is a reminder that these pauses, uncomfortable as they are, are not collapses but recalibrations, the psyche quietly stretching to make room for who you are becoming.
The in-between, however, is rarely easy. There is a kind of grief in letting go of a self you have outgrown. You may find yourself pulling away from familiar people or spaces, craving solitude, or losing interest in what once mattered.
Counselling psychologist Sarah Ndiritu calls it a soft unravelling, a spiritual shedding that allows the next version of you to emerge. “We are conditioned to keep moving,” she says, “but sometimes growth asks for stillness. You have to let the silence rearrange you.”
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Sarah explains that what many describe as feeling stuck is often the mind’s quiet way of signalling transformation. “Our sense of self is not fixed,” she says. “It changes with every experience. When the old patterns no longer fit, it is not failure, it is evolution. The discomfort you feel is your inner world asking for renewal.”
For Mercy Cherono, that renewal came as a surprise. After eight years in banking, she found herself dreading work she had once enjoyed. “I did not hate my job,” she says. “It just stopped feeling like me. Everyone thought I was being impulsive when I resigned to start a beauty shop, but it was the first time in years I felt at peace.”
Sarah says such shifts are rarely impulsive. “Most people think change happens suddenly,” she notes, “but it begins long before the decision is made. The mind and heart spend months or even years preparing you for it. By the time you act, you are simply catching up with who you have already become.”
Sometimes, the identity pause arrives through loss or upheaval. For Jackson Muriki, it followed a break-up. “It felt like everything was ending,” he says. “Then I realised it was actually a chance to meet myself again. To build and invest on myself. That way I was able to restore my self-esteem”
Sarah believes such turning points can become opportunities for growth. “Transitions invite reflection,” she explains. “They force us to ask, Who am I now? What truly matters to me? When you start exploring those questions, you begin to rebuild your sense of self on stronger, more authentic ground.”
Sarah adds that kindness to oneself is essential. “Many people feel guilty for changing,” she says softly. “They fear disappointing others or being misunderstood. But change is not betrayal. It is the most natural expression of being alive.”