How much intimacy is enough? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris!

Just recently, my husband and I have started arguing about how much sex we should be having. And it’s me who wants to have more! While he says he’s fine and anyway there just aren’t enough hours in the day!

Not Enough

Chris says,

Hi Not Enough!

Most couples argue about how much is enough, at least some of the time. Usually, because it always seems like everyone else is having more. And we imagine there’s some sort of rule like “we should make love three times a week.”


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Fortunately, the real rule is more like this: “Make love as often as feels right for both of you, depending on your level of desire, and what’s going on in the rest of your lives.”

The trouble is, even if you’re both OK with that, it always seems like one person in a couple wants to make love more than the other. Like the young guy who thinks three times a week is ‘hardly ever’ while his partner thinks it’s ‘far too often!’

Over a lifetime that’s very common, because while young men usually want far more sex than young women, women in their late 30s usually want far more than their husbands! Feelings like that can be highly disruptive, so sit down with your partner and discuss how often you make love. And really listen to his answers.

Discuss where you and he got your concepts of the right amount of sex from. The movies, internet, books? If all your ideas come from outside, then just forget them! Just do what feels right for you both.

Discuss whether you really do want more than he does, and if that’s the case, explore the reasons. Maybe he’s tired or stressed from work. Or there are other issues in your relationship.

And that thing about not enough hours in the day? Start planning! Because it’s usually just a case of getting to bed earlier, finding better ways to manage the kids, reducing stress, or setting aside more time for each other. And sharing a few of your wilder fantasies!

All the best,