The hawk-eyed spouse: My girlfriend will not let me talk to other women at work

I had never known why companies discourage dating at the work place, until Sheryl caused uneasiness in the staff room. Sheryl used to be my colleague until a month ago when she resigned to go and teach in a nearby school. She had a light complexion; we all knew she came from the Central part of Kenya without asking.

Her guy, who was also a teacher  in the same school, was a Maasai from Samburu, we often called him ‘Masai’. When they started dating, Sheryl did not want to see any lady laughing with  ‘ Masai’ and if you dared her, she would hold a grudge and stop talking to you altogether. It looked like she voiced this to him. So he too took caution, he knew he would have to pay a higher price to reverse the situation. When she was at work, Masai was like a caged bird, he was only talking to men while giving ladies a cold shoulder. When she was away, he would be visibly free like the birds of the air, freely mingling with all and sundry.

Even to ladies who were in committed relationships, Sheryl would never take a risk with them. Single ladies steered clear off the couple lest she looks at them with ‘a bad eye’. It was not that Masai was the most handsome guy in the teaching staff; it is just that he was so outgoing and helpful. He was one of those you would leave to the beholder to decide the beauty. Sheryl had to remain hawk eyed (just in case)-one eye on her guy and the other on her work. She was like an owl which easily rotates its head at 360 degrees in one second to catch those prying on her guy behind her back. When she spotted the perceived predator, she quickly drafted an E-mail or called  you on the office line to tell you how you have been seen 5 times around her 'husband' and even that last year in October you gave him a hi- five and that in December he printed for you a certain form. She might go an extra mile to come and stand by your desk, hands akimbo and tell you off.

Anyway, even a lioness is fierce but it still gives birth. So was it with Sheryl, she finally delivered a sweet baby girl and to everyone’s relief, we thought that motherhood would make things much better. Research published by the American psychological association discovered that the brains of women who had recently given birth bulked in areas linked to motivation and regulation of emotions. But this did not happen to her; she remained the same old Sheryl.

We realized that she was way too insecure in her relationship. She saw a red flag in every lady that talked or communicated to her guy in any way. She had an adrenaline rush immediately she imagined someone was getting too close to her Masai and her face became red with rage. Had Masai done something to warrant her behavior? Had she heard, read or saw something that caused her to be like this? Was trust broken at some point? Are there things he ought to have revealed but he is still holding back? This we may never know.

Bi Mswafari, my favorite marriage counselor advises women to be confident in themselves. That they ought to know that they are good enough to be with the men in their lives. That never at any moment should they view themselves as lesser beings and not deserving the love from their men. Fake the self-confidence until you get  it!

Recently, a friend of mine was telling me that she tells her husband how confident she is of her position as the mother to his kids. That she will be the only Laura who birthed Tom and Tony. To this, her husband replied with a smile , ‘Wow, I like your confidence and for that, I love you even more.”

Perhaps Masai has not done that one thing women need to feel secure in a union. He probably has not affirmed her position in his life by putting a ring on it and signing on the dotted line. Steve Harvey wrote in his book,

“To some men, marriage fits into the same category as eating vegetables. You know it’s something you should be doing, but you don’t really want to. Men are pretty clear that marriage is what women want but they just don’t do it because women have not made it a requirement for the continuity of the relationship.”

Most men are comfortable with cohabiting. They like the status quo and will refer to you as “my wife” to make you believe that you are indeed his wife. But deep down you are longing for it to be formalized, to be done properly so that you are very sure with evidence tucked under your clothes in your suitcase, that you are the one.

He goes on to say, “men get married because they love the women with whom they exchange rings with.”

To us, this is a culmination of the love we have shared. It is the ultimate thing that we wish for. I often hear men on their wedding day say, “This wedding is a gift to my wife, for being …” They don’t do it for themselves but for us. Perhaps this had not happened to Sheryl, that’s why she is afraid that anytime, her man will go, so she has to tie him around her index finger and watch his moves carefully. Her position in his life has not been affirmed and maybe she feels that Masai loves her less.

Someone who truly loves you will not clamp you with jealousy and possessiveness. Never allow someone to stifle you with their insecurities, because you know, you will soon resemble in behavior as you continue to stay together. This is what gives birth to violence in marriages, either physical assault or emotional torture.