How to deal with a toxic mother

How to deal with a toxic mother

If recent TikTok videos about toxic mothers are anything to go by, many people are suffering in silence. But should we keep mum on this issue simply because we don't want to hurt mum?

The maternal bond is traditionally viewed as the ultimate source of nurturance. Yet for some, this relationship is characterised by patterns of psychological control, manipulation, entitlement, and repeated boundary violations.

Such a mother often operates from a position where her own needs, emotions, and public image take precedence over her child's autonomy.

Identifying this selfish dynamic requires looking beyond occasional conflict and recognising a persistent cycle of behaviour in which the mother views her child not as an independent individual - even in adulthood - but as an extension of herself or a tool for her own emotional regulation and control.

Common indicators of a toxic mother include parentification, where the child is forced to act as the mother's emotional caregiver, and gaslighting, where there is systematic manipulation of the child's perception of reality to maintain dominance.

A clear example of this dynamic occurs when a mother uses emotional blackmail to sabotage her own child's external successes. Consider a daughter who receives a promotion or gets married and needs to relocate.

An entitled mother may respond not with pride, but by feigning a health crisis or accusing the daughter of "abandoning" the family. This creates a double bind in which the child experiences profound guilt for achieving what should be a healthy life milestone.

Another common pattern is the mother who has perfected the role of the "professional victim," perpetually centring her own struggles to deflect accountability for her harmful behaviour.

The impact on the adult child is often a chronic state of hypervigilance, a constant, exhausting monitoring of the mother's mood shifts, which can lead to complex post-traumatic stress, low self-worth, and a deep inability to trust one's own intuition.

The psychological cost of such entitlement is what Dr Karyl McBride, a leading expert on maternal narcissism, describes as a legacy of distorted love - one that teaches the child their value is conditional upon compliance.

Over time, this erodes executive functioning, as mental energy is redirected toward managing the mother's volatility rather than supporting personal growth.

As a result, the adult child may develop fawning responses in other relationships, overextending themselves to avoid perceived conflict and unconsciously recreating the toxic maternal dynamic in both professional and romantic spaces.

Addressing this situation requires a shift away from seeking maternal approval and toward developing what is known as a differentiated sense of self.

The first step is accepting that your parent may never have the capacity for empathy or self-reflection.

Responding to toxic behaviour may involve adopting a technique in which the individual becomes deliberately uninteresting and non-responsive to provocations, effectively starving the entitlement of the emotional "supply" it seeks.

Establishing firm, non-negotiable boundaries is also essential. Difficult as it may be, this can include limiting contact or clearly stating that certain topics are off-limits.

Ultimately, true healing involves reparenting oneself, preferably with the support of a trauma-informed professional, to dismantle the internalised voice of the entitled mother and replace it with a narrative rooted in self-compassion and autonomy.