Feeling left behind? You're exactly where you need to be

Growing up, many of us had a clear idea of what our lives would look like by a certain age. Perhaps it involved falling in love or building a fulfilling career. However, life is unpredictable and often changes those carefully mapped-out plans.

Unmet expectations can feel like personal failures. This weight becomes even heavier when you consider society’s quiet benchmarks, those unspoken standards that whisper, ‘You should have figured it out by now.’

Add to that the endless stream of picture-perfect moments on social media, and it’s easy to feel like everyone else is sprinting ahead while you’re stuck at the starting line.

But here’s the truth: you are not alone; this is a universal experience. Unmet expectations hurt not just because plans have fallen through, but also because we often tie them to our identity.

We equate hitting milestones with being ‘on track’ and missing them with falling short. However, perhaps the problem isn’t dreaming too big, but rather anchoring our self-worth to a rigid timeline instead of embracing the journey itself.

Psychologists call this an expectation discrepancy. As Morrison and O’Connor (2005) and Higgins (1987) have demonstrated through their research, when our reality diverges significantly from our ideal expectations, particularly those influenced by cultural norms, it can result in heightened anxiety, depression and reduced self-esteem. However, this is not a personal flaw, but a deeply human response to internalised pressure and inherited scripts.

• Self care: The path to being a better parent
• How to deal with sibling rivalry
• How to introduce children to budget literacy
• Modern fatherhood: Rise of the present dad

So, what can we do with the ache of unmet expectations?

Permit yourself to feel the disappointment. It’s okay to grieve the version of life you imagined; that vision mattered to you. Research on emotional processing by Lieberman et al. (2007) shows that naming and accepting difficult emotions, rather than avoiding them, leads to better mental health outcomes and greater long-term resilience.

Perhaps you’re more emotionally grounded now. Maybe you’ve endured heartbreak, weathered financial storms, or navigated health challenges your younger self never saw coming. That’s real growth. A 2020 study by Troy et al. in The Journal of Positive Psychology found that those who regularly practised “positive reappraisal,” reframing difficulties as opportunities for learning, experienced higher life satisfaction and well-being. Progress often wears subtle disguises.

Delays are not denials. Life rarely unfolds on the schedule we imagined, but that doesn’t mean your goals are out of reach. Success delayed is not success denied. Developmental psychology affirms that human flourishing occurs along non-linear paths; as Settersten & Ray (2010) observed, many people reach personal and professional milestones later in life, often with more depth and authenticity.

Even if life doesn’t turn out the way you once envisioned, there’s beauty in the way it unfolds. Sometimes, the life we quietly build off the expected path is more honest, resilient and meaningful than anything we could have planned. You are not late. You are not lost. You are simply on a different timeline, and that is worthy, too.

Growth isn’t linear. Some of the most meaningful transformations happen quietly, away from applause or external validation. Healing, resilience and clarity don’t always come with accolades, but they are just as important, if not more so.

Falling short of expectations can be painful, but it can also be enlightening. It can push us towards what we actually need: a new direction, a more grounded view of success and a deeper relationship with ourselves. It is often in the detours that the most profound growth takes place.