Hi Chris,
Sometimes I’m too tired, I have things to do, or I’m just not in the mood. But saying no is hard! I worry that I’m hurting my husband when I say no. How can I say no and still feel close to him?
Not tonight!
Chris says,
Hi Not Tonight!
Start by being glad you were asked. And don’t ignore hints. Just say something simple like ‘Thank you for asking.’ Don’t be sarcastic, even if his timing is awful.
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Take every invitation seriously, because you’ll rarely want intimacy at the same time. You might even get turned on once you start! So maybe ask for a few moments: ‘Give me five minutes.’ Or say you’re not sure how you feel: ‘I’m not sure how I feel. Let’s start kissing and see what happens.’ If that doesn’t work, gently wind things down.
Still not up for it? Explain why. Once your husband understands what’s on your mind, he’ll be less likely to feel hurt. Giving reasons also helps you spot any patterns in your refusals. Talk about them together. For example, maybe watching movies makes you too tired, so suggest that if he wants to be romantic, he should start things off earlier.
If your husband usually starts things off, acknowledge that. Say something like, “I realise you’re usually the one who starts things off. Thank you. I like you doing that.” This simple appreciation can go a long way.
And if you never initiate anything, try upping your game! Try some subtle teasing to get the ball rolling. Or send a few sexy texts. Relax together as the evening begins. Have a drink and make some small talk and you’re halfway there. If you always go to bed together at the same time, you’ll make love much more often.
Asking for or declining sex stirs up our deepest fears and vulnerabilities and nobody ever gets it exactly right. But keep trying, because making the effort will transform your relationship.
All the best,
Chris