Hi Chris,
I have just turned 40 and realised that I want a lot more sex than my husband. It wasn’t always like this; he was insatiable in his 20s! But now it’s me that’s frustrated. How can I put this right?
Frustrated
Chris says,
Hi Frustrated!
Desire varies a lot throughout our lives, and for most women it’s low in their teens, gradually rising to a peak around about 40. While a man’s is at its highest in his late teens, and falls very slowly for the rest of his life.
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So hers is often greater than his in midlife. This means young wives complain that their men want way too much sex. While a 40-year-old like you wants more than him.
Usually, that’s not a problem because by then he’s probably also a far better lover. And so for many couples, it’s around then that sex is at its best. Especially as intimacy’s probably no longer an end in itself, but part of other pleasures such as being emotionally close.
But what should you do, if you still feel that he isn’t giving you enough? Talk together, without any judgement or blame. Treat the whole issue as a shared problem to be solved.
Work on any issues he might be having with stress, medication or work. Discuss whether his libido’s always been fairly low. If it has, then talk through whether he grew up in a family where sex was something to be ashamed of. Because his libido will increase if he changes those attitudes and beliefs. And if that seems hard, ask him to talk to a counsellor.
Experiment together to find out exactly what pushes his buttons. And yours. Because desire isn’t only about sex itself. So you might be wanting something he’s more than willing to give if you were to define intimacy slightly differently.
And that’s worth doing, because intimacy’s one of life’s greatest pleasures, and it would be a shame to miss out just for the sake of a few conversations, however difficult they might be, to begin with.
All the best,
Chris