Praise is like icing on a cake. A little makes it taste better and too much will ruin everything.
Children need your encouragement and love it when you recognize their accomplishments. But don’t ruin their trust by leading them to believe every little thing they do is worthy of adoration and a chorus of cheers.
When they find out otherwise, they’ll be crushed and probably blame you for making them so needy of approval.
Most of us have evolved as parents believing that showering a child with praise is like eating chocolate — the more the better.
But complimenting children in certain ways may set them up to become praise addicts who look to their parents or others for validation all the time rather than developing an internal barometer for self-esteem and feelings of accomplishment and achievement.
Children who are praised in such a way that evaluates them or their traits and abilities (known as person praise) are more likely to display helpless reactions when challenge with more difficult tasks than children who are praised because of effort or strategy.
This means that children who are praised for self (traits such as physical attractiveness, intelligence, or possessions) are likely to deal poorly with problems and challenges than are children who are complimented for their work effort, regardless of prior success.
Thus, when you compliment work effort, you often help lead your child to a solid work ethic that will continue to develop as she grows.
When parents express appreciation for what a child has accomplished by focusing on the effort or the method used to accomplish the task, rather than by labeling or evaluating the child as a whole, this sets the stage for perseverance in later years.
Praise for the effort, strategy and persistence that children put into their accomplishments recognizes their achievements than ability praise does.
Children should be praised for how they do their work rather than for the final product or their IQ score.
How not to raise a praise addict
- Praise the process rather than the person.
- Say to your child; “Stacking blocks is tough for a little guy like you, let’s keep trying.” Rather than “You’re so smart. Stacking blocks will be a piece of cake!”
Be specific
Praise so that your children will understand exactly what behavior you are complimenting. Say, “That was a tough math problem and I saw that you were becoming frustrated. But you stuck with it,” rather than. “Good job on your math homework.”
Praise often, but don’t overdo it
Too much praise tends to water down the effectiveness and purpose of complimenting. Many children and teenagers complain that they are skeptical of their parents’ praise because, “It’s just my mum saying I’m pretty. She has to say that because she’s my mother.”
If you want your children to trust and to believe in you, then you have to be believable.
Love unconditionally, but praise conditionally
No matter what your children do, you certainly love them. However, they don’t need to be enveloped with compliments around the clock — it’s too much for them to absorb and to believe, and too draining for you.
You can be an effective parent if you praise only when it’s deserved. Our children will develop their self-concept largely from how the real world treats them.
And most of us are respected for our work ethic, not just for showing up or for what we possess.