Winston Churchill could have been talking to parents when he said, “Never give in, never, never, never — in nothing, great or small, large or pretty — never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense.”
Parenting is not a temporary project — it takes years, the rest of your life. Fortunately, adolescence has a time limit, but we’ll never make it if we have to see immediate results for our efforts. In fact, so often during the teen years, it may seem like you’re losing ground. You may be working hard, pouring truth and your heart into a child, yet one foolish choice follows another.
The temptation is to feel that you have failed. It’s over, let me throw in the towel! However, if your parenting boat seems to be leaking like a sieve, keep bailing with one arm and row with the other. One priority area to focus on as we craft the life of our pre-adolescent and teenage child is getting involved in what is happening in the child’s life.
This does not suggest that you become the ultimate soccer mum. That’s not bad - being there at all of your child’s activities - but involvement means more than not missing your child’s school parent’s day to share her success in being the best student.
Involvement means crawling inside your child’s head and heart. Involvement is moving from the outside to the interior of an adolescent’s life. It means diving into the turbulent currents caused by emotions - the child’s and the parent’s, heart to heart. This can be scary and uncomfortable.
The sobering truth is you can be in the same house but be clueless about what’s really going on in your child’s life. Although it’s a humbling thought, consider beginning with this assumption: “I’m not involved in my child’s life. I don’t really know what’s going on in her life.”
It’s important to connect heart to heart with a pre-adolescent and adolescent. It takes time, courage and perseverance. And it takes lots of energy. It may mean trying to get into your child’s life and being thwarted by the child; pushed out. Locked out.
Don't give up
The child, emotionally confused, doesn’t know what she wants or needs. You may have to endure a time or two when your child is screaming at you, when you just want to say, “You’re grounded for a month” and run from the messy details of a relationship. This is hard, and it’s why so many parents give up.
Involvement also means not losing heart when you don’t see immediate results. When a child is not living according to what’s acceptable, many parents surrender. They settle for less. Lower their standards. And stop pressing the child. They end up compromising, shrugging their shoulders, and saying with a sigh, “Maybe my goals and standards for my teenager were unrealistic. I guess what she is doing is not that bad after all.”
Connecting with your teenager may be one of the most demanding challenges of your life. Reconnecting can be something as simple as walking into your child’s bedroom and just sitting there and asking a few questions then listening very keenly. It’s rewarding to pursue a heart-to-heart relationship with your child. Although some information may be unsettling, you will know your child and be able to provide your preteen or teen’s needs.