Hi Chris,
I worry sometimes that my marriage isn’t as secure as I’d like. Why might I be feeling like this? And is there anything I can do to feel better?
Insecure
Chris says,
Hi Insecure!
Marriages only succeed when both partners feel secure and emotionally connected.
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Couples develop those feelings while they’re dating, and very few couples marry without them. But after the wedding, they often fade away, so that the relationship gradually becomes empty, lonely and joyless.
Mostly that’s because couples stop spending time with each other, quite unintentionally, and usually without even noticing it happening. They no longer just sit together and talk. Or do things together, especially those little things that create happy memories.
So you should both start doing the things that brought you together again. Because the girlfriend who loved her boyfriend bringing her flowers while you were dating didn’t change when she became a wife. And the boyfriend who loved hearing how much his girlfriend admired him didn’t change when he became a husband.
So never stop romancing each other just because you got married.
Above all, you need to make your relationship your highest priority. Because life will always pull you in lots of different directions. And if you repeatedly put your career, interests and friends ahead of your spouse, then you’ll gradually lose the connection that brought you together.
So regularly set time aside for each other, put everything else on hold, and give one another your undivided attention. Sit and chat, reminisce, make plans, cuddle and kiss.
Especially learn to recognise when your husband’s asking for attention. Giving it might be tough if there’s been a bit of friction between you, but you must always respond when he tries to make a connection with you.
He also needs you to be emotionally available. He needs your support, understanding and compassion. He needs to know that you can be trusted with his feelings and won’t criticise or judge. Because if you both constantly build that sense of security and availability into your relationship, then you’ll always feel secure together.
All the best,
Chris