It’s not always the case that both partners want to engage in physical intimacy. When one person turns down a sexual advance, their partner may feel rejected not just for the act of sex itself, but on a personal level. Sexual consent means having the right to accept or refuse a sexual invitation, and learning to respect rejection is not always easy.
According to sociologist Dr Kiemo Karatu, people experience sexual rejection based on their emotional and time investment.
If the rejection happens once, the person could hold onto hope that their lover will agree next time. If the person has had a series of sexual rejections in the past, it could make a repeat of it painful, personal and potentially traumatic.
Dr Kiemo says that regular rejection within a relationship risks undermining a person’s confidence in intimacy or making them suspicious of infidelity. Studies have also shown that continual sexual rejection can lead to low self-esteem, depressive symptoms, and dissatisfaction with the relationship.
Dr Kiemo says that men find sexual rejection harder to handle than women, taking it more personally as a sense of failure or shame. Some men may harm the person who rejected them, confront the issue, self-harm or look for another partner.
“Sexual rejection isn’t different from any other rejection; the emotions would be the same,” says Dr Kiemo.
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A person can internalise rejection differently and come up with their own reasons to make sense of the situation.
“Their interpretation, while it may be false, can mean a lot to how they will handle the rejection,” explains Dr Kiemo.
There are healthy ways of coping by speaking about their intimacy needs and reasons behind their partner’s while respecting sexual boundaries and autonomy. Some of the reasons people decline sexual advances include personal values, relationship conflict, stress, emotional detachment, low libido and fatigue.
If the person knows why their lover refuses sexual advances, it may ease any tension that comes about. Still, one doesn’t have to justify why they’re saying no, and no is a complete answer.
Positively handling sexual rejection also means avoiding coercion and outbursts, and giving your partner time to agree on their terms.
“In many instances, declining sex doesn’t mean rejecting the relationship. It means postponing your sexual needs until your partner is ready,” he says.
He advises normalising sexual rejection, taking their mind off the experience and distancing it from their sense of worth and practising self-care.