You’ve probably heard the phrase, “You’re turning into your mother.” It’s often said with a laugh, but there is more truth behind it than we might realise.
The mother-daughter bond is usually our first experience of love and emotional connection, and it quietly becomes the blueprint for how we relate to others as adults.
From how we seek affection and validation to how we handle conflict, many of our adult relationship patterns are rooted in that early bond.
British psychologist John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, proposed that early interactions with caregivers shape our expectations of love and security throughout life.
These attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganised—are often established in infancy and childhood, especially through the relationship with a primary figure such as the mother. She is typically our first emotional mirror, modelling how to express, suppress, or respond to feelings.
Whether her love was consistent and safe, unpredictable, or painfully absent, those emotional patterns often replay in our romantic lives, either as something we try to recreate or something we unconsciously try to repair.
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You might find yourself drawn to familiar emotional dynamics without even realising it. For example, if your mother was nurturing and emotionally available, you may naturally lean towards secure, balanced partnerships. But if she was overly critical, emotionally distant, or controlling, you may end up attracted to partners who replicate those traits.
Conflict styles such as emotional withdrawal, volatility, or passive-aggressiveness can become your default, simply because that’s what you saw growing up. Some women even take on the maternal role in their relationships by emotionally managing their partners, solving problems, and constantly soothing.
Others may become people-pleasers, fearing rejection or disapproval in a way that echoes their childhood emotional environment.
These tendencies are not just personal; they are often generational. As family systems theorist Murray Bowen noted, unresolved emotional patterns are frequently passed down, subtly shaping how mothers raise daughters.
A mother’s own unhealed wounds may influence her parenting—not through direct instruction, but through behaviour, emotional availability, or the roles she encourages.
The first step towards healing is recognition. Begin by asking yourself: Am I drawn to people I feel I need to earn love from? Do I feel safer being the caretaker than being cared for? What patterns in my relationships feel oddly familiar—almost like emotional déjà vu?
These questions help bring unconscious dynamics into conscious awareness—something Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung believed was essential for personal transformation.
As he famously said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” In other words, the patterns we don’t examine, especially those formed in early relationships like the one with our mother, can quietly shape our choices until we become aware of them. Awareness doesn’t just illuminate the past; it empowers us to choose differently moving forward.