Hi Chris,
I have just found out that my husband has a mistress. Not an affair, a fully-fledged mistress, and for years. In this modern world for Heaven’s sake! I am so confused. What should I do?
Help!
Hi Help!
There have always been mistresses. The long-term lovers of married men. They used to be called ‘kept’ women, though a modern mistress probably has a job of her own and enjoys her independence.
You would think that there would be fewer nowadays, but there are never enough eligible men. So there are probably as many now as there have ever been.
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She is faithful, and as nice a woman as you could meet, despite sleeping with your husband. Which no one knows about, because that is a part of her life she never reveals.
She is probably fun and attractive, though not particularly hot. And loves your husband because he is a good man - only that he loves someone he is not supposed to love.
Her life revolves around her phone, and the special codes they use to keep everything secret. It probably all started by accident, sometime when you and your husband were not getting on too well. Or maybe for no good reason at all.
She cannot believe this is how her life has turned out. Her family would not believe it either. It is not what she intended, and she certainly did not choose it on purpose. She has tried to end things and find someone of her own, but somehow she cannot.
And now you know about her and do not know what to do. Your dilemma is more common than you think. Some women confront their husbands constructively and work things out. Many fight like cats. Others let sleeping dogs lie and revel in having more time to themselves. A counsellor will help you understand your feelings and choose a way forward.
Meanwhile, she worries endlessly that he will dump her. Because your husband will never leave you. If you insist, he will abandon her, act like he is sorry and life will go on. So do not hate her. And do not imagine you do not know her. You almost certainly do.
All the best,
Chris