FINANCES

"When it comes to hiding secrets about my finances, that one I openly live with if you cannot handle finances. This too, I would do to protect our family's future. If you are a spendthrift for example, and with every money you get, you spend and cannot invest, you provide for people now and cannot protect our future, why should I tell you about all the money I am saving for the family for our future?" she poses.

Maria says she would rather tell her husband she is broke rather than exhaust her finances on her husband's needs that can wait. This, she says, women often do so that men do not assume their spouses have money on the side to spare.

"For example, I am the kind of person who does not believe in paying for my salon, unless I am single. If you can surprise me with a car, how come you cannot get money for my salon needs? I do not believe in spouses having a joint account. I do not approve of my man knowing how much I have. I always tell him am broke so he needs to spend. My man for example, and he knows, is a spendthrift and so I would rather milk him to the best of my ability for the sake of saving for our future," Maria says.

Maria says she would never let her spouse hire the family a residential house he won't be able to pay because she would not help him do so. And why? Because she would rather save money for the family to benefit in the future or when the spouse cannot afford to pay at all.

"I tell women, if your man wants to keep things for himself, let him keep things for himself. If he wants to have his emotional privacy and freedom, let him have the space. If you do, they will choose to tell you what they want, rather than you digging what you want to find out and end up being hurt by it. Respect your space," the author says

"Men naturally lie to us to make us up so imagine what happens if you push them to the wall. They lie to make you happy because you have asked for that. It is the nature of a man to tell a lie when it works for them. Now this is a lie you are looking for, one you are digging. So he will lie. Why not have him keep his secrets."

Different people have different reasons why they keep certain information to themselves. While most of these reasons are universal, there are some however that are more specific to women, especially those that are either in a relationship (marriage or any type of union) or those that are seeking one.

No woman ever tells their current sexual partners the true number of sexual partners they have had. While couples are often encouraged to be open and honest with each other, the topic of previous intimacies remains fragile and a lot of women would rather not talk about it to the people they are dating.

Other than being embarrassing for some, society is often quick to label women who are more sexually liberal as prostitutes and filthy. In an interesting contrast, men are more likely to brag about their true number of past escapades because it boosts their masculinity.

"Everybody knows that the numbers you (women) give us are divided by at least three," says Freddy, 28. "Whatever number you give, we multiply them by three. If she says four - and women like the number four- multiply it by three."

For Sue Mwende, 28, telling her boyfriend about her previous relationships "is unnecessary and would only make him jealous. It does not matter even if it was five or even 10 years ago.

"Some of them will be all over you until they learn about your past, and then suddenly they are not interested anymore. I would rather not tell them, even though I have not had that many," she adds, laughing.

HIDING CHILDREN

Just like women sometimes fail to disclose previous relationships, they may also intentionally keep the presence of children from their potential partners.

While times are changing and women are becoming more empowered to take up spaces including being comfortable with their sexual orientation, it is no longer embarrassing to have children out of wedlock.

Flo Kenya, 30 and a mother of one cannot comprehend how anyone would be ashamed of having a child.

"It is the first thing I tell my dates when they ask to know me. If a man wants me, he has to take me with my son," she says. "We come as a package. He is my son, he goes wherever I go. If it is a problem (to someone) then there's no point of going further (with the relationship)."

While a generation like Flo's can be unforgiving about keeping the presence of children a secret, it is understandable that there are women out there (some much older) who still find it hard to be as straightforward.

While this can sometimes be out of selfishness and dishonesty, it can also be a result of fear of instant rejection by their partners. Sons, particularly in the African context are considered hard to integrate into new families, especially when they come from the mother's side.

In the same breath, a lot of women would never talk about procedures such as abortions or in some societies, about miscarriages.

"Secrets are important in that they protect you from stigmatisation on stereotypes that a partner and the society might get you into, especially where sexuality is concerned. Imagine if an average partner or husband found out that you once had an unwanted pregnancy, carried an abortion or even had an STD.

"Imagine if he found out you had a drug issue while still in high school or dated 10 men while on campus. Who does this kind of disclosure help?" poses Monica Kagure, a psychologist.

"Why would I? That one (abortions) even my mother would never know. I would never even tell my sisters, and yet we are close. Some things are between you and God," says Sue Mwende.

Paps Wanyugi, a confidence coach, psychologist, author and CEO of ReConfidence Coaching Solutions says that people who are married often keep secrets around three main topics that touch on: finances, infidelity and addictions.

According to Paps, the reasons that those who are married keep secrets are varied.

"Those who are married will keep secrets from each other for many reasons. To start with, one's attachment style plays a big role in whether they are open in relationships or not. For example, if your attachment style is anxious then you will probably spill and not be able to keep a secret.

"However, if your attachment style is avoidant then you are more likely to keep secrets. Notably, both anxious and avoidant attachment styles are insecure attachments," she says.

"A person with an avoidant attachment style evades oversharing. They share very little information about themselves, and so they keep a lot of secrets. Their behaviour is often influenced by their childhood."

Paps says that keeping secrets in marriage can be influenced by culture and socialisation.

"Sometimes it is a cultural thing, maybe your mother told you to keep certain secrets. They told you not to tell your husband everything, so you normalise keeping secrets. You will hear this type of advice in bridal showers. It is part of socialisation."

Paps says that trauma from the past can also lead one to be secretive even with their spouse.

"You keep secrets because you keep building upon or laying onto your trauma. Maybe something happened to you in your past, but it was normalised," she says.

According to Paps, another reason people who are married keep secrets from each other is if there is already mistrust in the relationship or if they are engaging in something illegal.