In 2021, Joanne Njeri* was eager to find love. After a heartbreak from her childhood sweetheart and a few awkward dates that hit a wall, she had taken time to heal and was ready for the real deal.
That's when she met Drew*, a 6-foot-tall gentle giant with the dashing looks of an athlete and enough charisma to make her forget her past.
Weeks into their budding romance, Joanne, 32, realised that her new beau was 27, and she didn't know if it could work out.
"My mother warned me that his family would discourage him from being with an older lady. I also didn't know if I could handle criticism from friends once they would realise that I am dating a younger man," she says, noting that these challenges led to their early split.
Joanne is not alone. Women have been dating younger men since the older days. However, that doesn't mean the stigma does not exist- it is still frowned upon as society expects the more common older man-younger woman unions.
"Since the late 1970s, so-called "toyboy" relationships-defined as a woman married or cohabiting with a man five years or younger- have nearly tripled in the U.S. and Britain," Academic website Jstor Daily reports.
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The report notes that up to 34 per cent of women over 40 are dating younger men.
"Even though these relationships are so common that multiple TV shows have been created about them, they continue to be stigmatised."
On the interactive platform Medium, one woman recently asks why older women- younger men relationships are often frowned upon in Kenya, pointing out the double standards that see women receive negative labels like "cougar" while men don't get the same criticism.
"There are a few Kenyan television shows that try to portray an older woman marrying a younger in Kenya, of course, it is always to show the younger man is interested in the money of their older wife," Medium reports.
"If an older woman and younger man in Kenya would be found sitting together or looking at each other like they are in love, a lot of stares would go in their direction."
The report adds that the open-minded practice is much more common in Western countries but often kept hush-hush and private when it happens locally.
"As society gets more and more advanced, the family cannot be left untouched. The family structure will also change and this new kind of relationship is part of the impact of the 21st Century on the institution."
Some of these couples though, walk proudly in their love and don't let naysayers deter them.
One of these is Jalen and Cacie Barnes, who openly discuss their experiences being in an older woman- younger man partnership. Cacie is 11 years older than her husband and the two are raising a lovely family.
The happily married couple often speaks about it on their YouTube channel and narrates the ups and downs they face.
"Before we got married we used to be concerned that our age difference would be a problem. Especially when it comes to our parents and family and friends. We were nervous about it, but things went smoothly," Jalen says.
Cacie says that age was never a factor for her when it came to picking out partners, what she was keener to find in her significant other was maturity, which she says is worthy of respect.
"I like intelligent, respectful people. If I can hold an intelligent and respectful conversation with you, we can be friends," she says.
She adds: "I was in no way, form or fashion trying to be with a younger man, it was not on my radar. My ideal of a husband before we met was that he would be my age or no more than 5 years older than me."
The two say that they pushed through the controversy to make things work, noting that they are often rooting for celebrity couples with a similar dynamic.
Physical attraction, sexual stamina and liberation
When a well-established, older woman chooses to be with a younger man, there are certain perks she is likely going for.
A recent report by a local publication notes that the ladies are dating younger because they too enjoy being in the company of physically attractive partners.
It's not just about the attraction, but the sexual stamina, emotional support and the need to feel youthful that come into play. There are also those ladies who are at a point in life where they want to be in charge and more in control of their relationship.
Psychology Today reports that women may date younger men in a bid to break societal barriers and live their own truths.
"A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research suggests that not only does dating younger men allow women to break down some social norms and barriers that might otherwise be present during heterosexual sexual interactions, but women reported high levels of sexual pleasure and satisfaction within these intimate partnerships."
One of the findings of the report was that women in the study reported that they were more sexually drawn to younger men because they believed younger partners had more to offer sexually.
"Specifically, women indicated that compared to men their own age, they felt younger men tended to have higher sex drives, could last longer during sex (or be physically ready to have sex again sooner)."
This type of age difference also allows women to "embrace their sexual assertiveness" and prioritize their own pleasure.
The guys also tell their side of the story on multiple reports, where they praise the idea of dating older ladies.
A common reason for their love of older women includes the fact that they are more self-aware, focused and bright.
"It's easier to have a relationship with an older woman because she knows how to communicate what she wants. It has a snowball effect all the way around," one respondent in his mid-twenties tells Today.com.
He adds: "I have a preference for women starting at about 10 years older than myself and up. It's adventurous for both of us because it's a whole new exciting journey."
What the experts say
The popular counselling psychologist Benjamin Zulu addresses this phenomenon in a 2022 episode on his channel Benjamin Zulu Global, where he explores "the rules of marrying a younger man."
He advises not to take the age gap too far, noting that about 3 years is reasonable so that the pair can be in the same season in life and build together.
"If you marry a person who is twenty years apart, they are already in another season of their life. Maybe they are in the noon of their life and you are in the mid-morning," Zulu says.
He advises the ladies not to leave someone over a slight age difference, but rather, to be open for love with someone with whom she resonates, flows and connects.
He also tells the gentlemen to boldly make that move and not listen to naysayers and negative stereotypes.
"Whatever decision you want to make and you are of age, do what Moses (from the bible) did. Moses was brought up by adoptive parents, and he was very respectful too. But it reached a point he had to identify with his destiny and respectfully walk out of Pharaoh's home."
Popular older women- younger men couples
There have been multiple high-profile couples that have made headlines for dating and marrying within this type of set-up.
These include the NBA star Dwayne Wayde and his wife, actress Gabrielle Union, the actor Hugh Jackman and Debora Lee-Furness, Brigitte Macron and Emmanuel Macron among many others.
Gabrielle and Dwayne have a 10-year age difference, Hugh and Deborah have 13 years between them while Brigitte and Emmanuel Macron have a 24-year age difference.
Locally, there are popular duos like the singer Bahati Kioko and his wife Diana Marua. She is two years older than him. There is also the popular singer Guardian Angel and his wife Esther Musila, who made headlines for their romantic wedding last year. The couple has a 20-year age difference.