Hi Chris,
I seem to go on a lot of first dates, but very few second dates! Maybe I am being too idealistic, but I expected that dating would always be fun and that one day I would just know instantly that I had met ‘the one.’
And either way, I would at least have a great night. But, mostly I come back from a date thinking it was ‘fine’. Not ‘amazing’, or ‘awful’, but just ‘fine’. No spark in other words, and so there is no second date. Am I being too picky?
Can that spark grow with time? And how should I decide whether to go on beyond that first date?
Just Fine
Chris says,
Hi Just Fine!
You are not being picky! You are right to pay attention to the feelings that say it is not worth going any further. But sometimes the spark does grow. So what should suggest that a second date would be a good idea?
Go out again if your date’s intentions and yours are aligned. Like you are both looking for a relationship, or both looking for an FWB!
It is okay if he arrives late, so long as he apologises. These things happen despite our best intentions. So if he contacted you about the hold-up, apologised and promised to make it up to you, give him the benefit of the doubt. Do you get none of that? One date is probably enough.
Forgive a few awkward pauses, they might just be nerves. So long as you soon find lots to talk about and have plenty of common interests. Flirting is also a good sign. And look at the way he moves. Full of confidence, open and friendly? Go out with him again!
One date is probably enough if he is more interested in his phone than you. And drop men who talk too much about an ex.
It is fine to mention a previous relationship if it is relevant to the conversation. More than that is probably a sign that old wounds have not healed. Does that matter? Probably not for something casual. But if you are looking for something more long-term, maybe he needs a little longer to work on himself.
Go out again with a guy who is just as polite to the bar and wait for staff as he is to you. Because if he is rude, you can be sure he will be just as bad with you, sooner or later.
Check that you have similar values. Having different opinions is fine, but they need to be grounded in the same moral framework for a relationship to work.
And that is not just about stuff like politics. Lifestyle factors are also important. Like many couples fall out because one is vegetarian and the other is not.
So consider what is important for you. If you are a vegetarian, should you only date vegetarians? Could you sit across the table from somebody eating a steak, or kiss them afterwards?
All the best,
Chris