There are certain scenes in movies that look so good, you want to replicate them in real life, but when you try, you are rudely reminded that life is not scripted.  The first time I watched ‘Pulp Fiction’, I was so excited by the scene where Samuel L Jackson grabs a cheese burger and Sprite from Frank Whaley that the next day I went to an upmarket fast food joint to try the same. It was disappointing.

It is the same with certain things in life that women borrow from books and movies and want to try out. While they incite their fantasy on end and will try the things as soon as they find a willing man or one who seems to have a clue. While the book ‘50 Shades of Grey’ is now a popular read and the movie a hit, some of the Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission scenes in the book may not be as exciting in practice as they sound on paper or in the tube. Especially for men.

Taking a shower together, for starters. Unless it is a huge bath tub, I don’t see why a man and a woman should share the bathroom. Few people live in houses with bathtubs. Bathrooms in our houses are not necessarily spacious to accommodate two adults. Besides, they are slippery, making the idea of making love a hazardous affair, in as much as women might wish for it. Besides, men and women have different bathroom practices. If anything, the standard male showering procedure - expelling stuff from the nose and throat, pissing etc, will be disgusting to a woman. Yet, it is women who come up with the idea. Men find it to be a laborious affair that we pray you spare us.

Secondly; the notion of cuddling after sex. All men dread cuddling for the simple reason that we have accomplished the mission. Besides, sex is a sleep-inducing exercise for men; I cannot go into the metabolism of it all. More to the point, we dread the topics that women tend to come up with afterwards. It is always about commitment and that scary sentence in the history of dating: Where is this heading (mostly nowhere), but we can’t tell you to the face, lest we hurt you. So, let him just sleep and bring up the topic in the morning, after a strong cup of coffee.

Thirdly, public displays of affection. Kenyan men are averse to displaying love in the open. Remember we were colonised by the Britons, and we never got quite over Victorian mores. Hence, we are always shy holding your hand in public or your handbag as a sign of love. Unless we are drunk, kissing you and hugging you tightly in public sometimes makes us uncomfortable and feel like sinking into the ground.

Fourth, go slow on the sweet nothings. Most men, I know are embarrassed by names such sweets, hun or baby. You call us that in public and among our peers; it comes across as a sign of not getting over teenage obsessions. Privately, it is fine. Publicly, we somehow loathe the idea of being tied down. Unless, we have publicly acknowledged you, resist from the assumption. There are men who are comfortable, however. Bless them.

Finally, using our pictures on your social media page without consent never augurs well with us. At best, we wish that you quit social media altogether.


What’s one thing you hope will happen next week?