I am 25 and have been dating this lady for about three months now. She is beautiful and has always seemed to be a young girl from her size and looks and this is what attracted me to her. I pursued her and now we are in this relationship but I have now realised that she is 32 and has two children probably from different fathers. She keeps insisting that she is madly in love with me and that we would make a good family together. I have feelings for her but don't know what to do in light of what I know about her now. Please advise me.
{Felix}
Your take:
Felix, hold on as you study her to see her seriousness and commitment to the relationship. Love surpasses everything but then if you are in doubt, then always stop and ponder about everything. You can chose to give it a try, all that matters is your happiness, if this relationship will make you happy, go for it.
{Ouma Ragumo}
She is looking for a man to be the father of her children and she seems to have found one in you. If you know and like the children then stay and see where the relationship goes. Don't lave her just because of her children. Even single mothers deserve to be loved and to get married.
{Rehab}
It seems you have a problem with her age and the children. She also claims to love you but you don't seem certain about your feelings for her. I wish to tell you that in relationships, age is a non-issue and you may find older women who make very good partners. All that matters is how you relate with each other.
{Tasma Saka}
Simon Says:
Felix, Felix, Felix, you are getting to learn essential lessons about life albeit the hard way. One such lesson is that things aren't always what they seem to be. Yes indeed, in this life where make-up sells more than some essential food-stuffs, looks can play tricks on you only to realise when you are in too deep.
Some of these lessons you will learn on your own like you are slowly doing, but others you will need to get assistance. You stated your case quite clearly; you are 25, she is 32 essentially making her seven years your senior. It is barely three months and she is already talking family. Another glaring fact is that she is 32 and already has two children from different men and lastly she seems to want to get married even before you get to know her second name. I will give you another lesson about life and especially about relationships. Whenever you see a red light, step aside and observe for a while. In this situation, there are too many red lights flashing and you may want to consider some deeper reflection on this. Have a candid conversation with yourself and see if this is really the kind of relationship you would wish to be in – for life.
So in three months, you already think that this is a serious relationship. If you carry on this way, you are bound to make so many mistakes that you will not know where to start off from. Relationships don't just happen, they grow out of friendships. While there is no standard time for the formation of friendships it most certainly does not take 3 months. Remember that relationships grow from friendships – this is the only way. One of the greatest mistakes you can ever make is to try and grow a friendship when already in a relationship.
Lastly, I will inform you that when it comes to marriage, you are the one who is marrying and the lady you date will be getting married. This means that the agenda of marriage should not come from other quarters but from you. There is nothing wrong about dating and marrying a single mother – many of them are just as good if not better than those girls running around. However, when she is seven years your senior, has children from different men and seems to be luring you into long-term commitment you may want to seriously reconsider.
{Simon}
Boke says:
The fact that all was okay until you discovered this means that this is a concern to you. Therefore, we cannot lightly say that age is but a number.
It is easy to say that age is but a number until we look at age in terms of time. Time comes with various and varied experiences and experiences change our view of things. From our experiences we construct our own beliefs, opinions, values and principles that govern our lives.
Age becomes an issue when two people cannot reconcile their views and principles they have held over time. We tend to easily befriend and relate with people whose value system and principles we perceive to be agreeable with ours.
The other reality of age is the effect it has on our physical body. Meaning, at some point in life age difference will show on our physical bodies. But this appears to be a minor concern to you because your girlfriend looks better than her age. No one wants, particularly the men, to have their wives confused to be their elder sister or aunty.
For the two children, you need to understand the involvement of their father(s) in their lives. Does your girlfriend co-parent the children with their Dad? And are you okay with the arrangement? Or is the father(s) out of the picture therefore you take up the responsibility?
Once we understand and have a clear picture of what challenges or responsibilities your differences bring, then it becomes easier for us to make clear decisions.
I encourage you to discuss with her the concerns as honest as possible. See what both of you can give and take. The survival of your relationship depends on the honest answers you both present.