Onyango Omanga tried to understand his children’s temperaments individually. If one of them didn’t play like the others, he would try to find out what was wrong.
“I would comfort them when they feel sad, and they would openly share their worries with me or their mother,” he shares.
By teaching them how to positively deal with their emotions, Onyango says that it taught them empathy and social skills.
It’s not always the case that children grow up in homes where emotions are expressed. Many people hold the view that a baby should be left to cry without being comforted, arguing that this helps them learn independence rather than relying on their parents’ arms.
However, psychologists warn that this approach can be harmful, as it trains the child to believe that they cannot depend on their parents to meet their needs. The child doesn’t yet have language, so crying is their only way of communicating discomfort or pain.
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Linah Ochieng, a teacher and psychologist, explains that if a carer consistently leaves the child unattended, they learn that expressing needs is ineffective, which harbours fear and mistrust. Besides, letting a child cry without comfort can affect their emotional intelligence (EQ).
While some may wonder whether EQ is innate or learnt, she insists that the way a child is raised defines their emotional development. Nurturing emotional intelligence begins way before a child is born.
Linah says that even during pregnancy, a mother’s emotional state sets a basis for how the child will perceive and respond to the world after birth. A parent experiencing unresolved emotions during pregnancy or infancy may unconsciously transmit anxiety or confusion to the child.
“The child may grow up feeling trapped in difficult emotions, struggling to respond calmly to challenges, and uncertain about how to express themselves,” says Linah.
Fathers, too, play a significant role in early life, as Linah says that babies can sense care and affection, even before birth.
“Right from birth, a child’s first sense is trust with others and themselves, and it is determined if their environment is safe, responsive, and loving,” she says.
She adds; “In the absence of parents, carers who step in should be emotionally present and nurturing.”
As the child grows up, they tend to absorb emotional patterns from their surroundings displayed by adults. It is for this reason that Linah states that the emotional state of parents also greatly influences a child’s development.
To raise emotionally intelligent children, she says that parents need to be aware of their feelings so that they are able to control how they respond to their children or any other person.
She advises parents to actively foster high EQ in their children by cultivating awareness of their own feelings and learning to manage their reactions. When parents demonstrate healthy emotional expressions, it encourages children to do the same.
They can also recognise their triggers and consciously handle them in constructive manners, she says.
Parents can also talk openly with their children, even from infancy, about emotions. By age two, Linah says that children begin to recognise basic emotions such as happiness, sadness, and fear, but their understanding grows as they are guided by their parents.
Some tools to teach emotional awareness include games, routines, and storytelling, providing scenarios that help children understand feelings in simple ways.
Parents should also watch for signs of emotional struggle, which may show up through facial expressions, body language, or changes in behaviour, even when the child is not verbally expressing distress.
When a child experiences tantrums or any other emotional struggle, she encourages parents to find the cause, verbalise emotions, ask how they feel, and give tools for managing reactions, such as counting to ten or taking deep breaths when frustrated.
“They can acknowledge a child’s anger but guide them toward acceptable ways to express it, developing empathy by encouraging them to consider how others feel,” she says.
When a child responds positively, she advises praising to reinforce the learning process. On the other hand, harsh discipline, usually mistaken for effective parenting, suppresses emotional growth.
Discipline, she says, should be about training the child on how to behave, not inflicting pain or fear. Allowing children to experiment, make and navigate small mistakes builds confidence, while restricting them can instil shame and self-doubt.
“When parents consistently guide and positively reinforce children to manage emotions in healthy ways, it helps them learn appropriate behaviours,” she says.
Respecting a child’s need for emotional space also raises their EQ, says Linah. When a child shuts down or refuses to communicate, forcing conversation can be counterproductive. Instead, parents should remain sensitive and provide time for children to open up at their pace, ensuring that when communication does occur, it happens in a calm and supportive environment.
Balancing emotional intelligence with resilience teaches children to be kind and empathetic without becoming overwhelmed by challenges.
“A child who is emotionally intelligent and resilient is better placed to get through life’s difficulties while maintaining a sense of self-worth and independence,” Linah notes.
Teachers, like parents, also have the responsibility to create environments where children feel respected, valued, and emotionally safe.
For parents concerned about their own EQ, Linah assures them that awareness of it is a right step.
“I encourage them to seek guidance from a psychologist or engage in self-reflection to get the tools to nurture EQ in their children,” she says.
Linah explains that a child with high emotional intelligence (EQ) can identify what they are feeling, express those feelings constructively, and respond sensitively to the emotions of others.
She emphasises that EQ is an important life skill, and the long-term benefits include adults with well-developed EQ having high self-esteem, positive attitudes, strong social skills, and the ability to form respectful and meaningful relationships. In educational and professional settings, these traits often translate into better performance, collaboration, and adaptability.
“In a world that prioritises academic success and technical skills, cultivating EQ raises well-rounded, empathetic, and resilient individuals,” she says.