A popular comedian and podcaster blew up social media with a quirky take on sex in marriage. In his words, men need to have mental strength to enjoy sex in marriage. He said that husbands have over “chewed” their wives until they don’t have sexual flavour anymore. This makes it difficult even for husbands to erect, so they must summon deeper sexual desires to have sex with their wives.
On the contrary, he says, husbands will find it easier to make love to other women because the desire to explore is exciting. Men have held their adventures in sexual escapades as a badge of honour. The rider is a man who was created a polygamist, and monogamy is against the order of nature. Life has evolved, but some fundamentals remain.
Men must achieve their sexual promiscuity because some women allow it to happen. These women know that they are not the number one woman in this man’s life, so they are also playing some man on the side. That man believes he has a woman to himself, and maybe he is also now going out with side chicks. Thus, if men are not naturally monogamous, then we are up against a hypergamous species that lies to adore monogamy.
Life is generally boring. A job that looks exciting in the beginning soon becomes routine and boring. The attraction spark in a relationship dies, and what looked exciting soon turns dull. The sex in marriage becoming boring is not out of the norm. The secret is in maintaining desire in each other, even when love levels drop.
A couple can love each other but have a poor sex life. Sometimes people cheat in marriage not because they are not happy, but because they believe they could be happier. Sex in long term relationships takes work, and sometimes it is the work that is a drag, hence the allure of infidelity.
Ironically, women check off faster than men in marriage. They get bored with sex in marriage faster than men, but they rarely say or work on it. Is this the reason for the headaches and tiredness in marriage, just when a couple goes to bed? Women are raised to hide, deny and minimise their sexual desires and experiences. This attitude in women was pushed by the need for the man to provide for the children and leave an inheritance for them. If the man knew about his woman’s affairs, then he would bail out and leave the woman to bring up the children on her own. This is why women cheat, but they will rarely be caught. The cost of the risk is too high for them. In the past, marriages were an economic entity.
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Biological and evolutionary theories support infidelity for men. To men, sex is about bragging rights and exaggerating the experience. Men can cheat for no reason at all. A man can have the most beautiful wife, but still stray. So it is not about the boring sex, but just a rebellious attitude inculcated by socialisation. The forbidden is powerful; that which we are not supposed to do makes it the reason why we must do it.
Today, marriage is a romantic arrangement. Couples expect more from each other: an intelligent spouse, good with children, great in bed, a provider, a great cook and still be an achiever in their career. This is the pressure that brings emotional fatigue. This brings anger and disappointment in marriages because people will fall short. When these small disappointments and anger are not handled, then slowly the sex becomes boring.
This generation believes everyone has a right to do that which they desire to do, even if the world does not approve of it. Dreams are valid, truths are personal, and even fleeting experiences become identities. Fidelity is no longer cool.
People get into marriages after a wild sex life in their youth. In the past, a majority went into marriage as virgins or with very little mileage. The body count is no longer a mark of pride that people can share because it was normal to have one or two previous sexual partners. Today, you hear that a body count of thirty is “low” for a thirty-year-old lady.
We are a conflicted generation who still believe in marriage as a social and economic institution, but still want to hold on to our personal desires. No wonder a popular former radio presenter got married but insisted she didn’t want children, while her spouse wanted children. What happened to sacrificial love?
This is the age of contraceptives, where sex is more for fun and happiness and not to have children. This brings the quality angle above the quantity of sex. The two-minute man is now frowned upon, because quantity matters. Beyond longevity in bed, the sex must also be fulfilling. Fulfillment comes due to emotional attachment. The modern world does not support emotional attachment; we are the 'me, myself, and I' generation. Selfishness doesn’t breed healthy attachment. This is the reason why we will chase happiness, enjoyable sex and fulfilment in life until we go to the grave.
The magic is contentment. The content will be the most popular among this generation.