I hope you can help me. My husband had an ‘affair’ with a woman he was working with in a voluntary job.
They have always insisted that nothing actually happened between them. However, he bought her a necklace as well as other things and sent her flowers on her birthday. He made her playlists of love songs and sent her loving messages and she gave him cuddly teddies and special gift cards. And despite me hating this closeness, they both refused not to work with each other.
My husband took her to Birmingham once and lied to me about it. When I asked why he’d taken her there, he claimed he needed to ‘ask her something’. As if that wasn’t enough, this woman had me arrested in 2013, claiming I’d done things I hadn’t, and my husband took her side.
But despite all of this evidence and everything that has happened, he still denied that they’d done anything wrong or that anything physical took place between them.
In the end, I told him he had to make a choice – her or me. He chose me and he no longer has anything to do with her. But I still can’t get it out of my mind. I have had counselling, but I think about it every day. What should I do?
Coleen says:
I’m glad you’re having counselling – that’s the right thing to do. However, I am surprised you’re willing to give him another chance. Most of the time, I’m all for giving someone a second chance, but there’s a lot to forgive here. To support her when she had you arrested and to consistently deny that anything was going on despite the proof to the contrary is despicable, cowardly and shows how little respect he has for you. It’s as if he has no feelings for you at all. Hand on heart, I don’t think I could forgive and don’t think I could trust him again.
While you’re feeling the way you are, put some space between you. It doesn’t sound like you had any time apart to think things over while all this was going on.
I would also question why he’s not seeing this woman again – is that because she doesn’t want to see him or was it his choice? If you want to make it work, it’s going to take time and effort. And maybe couples counselling is the next step, so you can hear his side through a mediator. After everything he’s put you through, he should agree to that without any complaints.
A cautionary word here – don’t cling on to him just because of pride. By leaving him you are not letting the other woman win. You have been very forgiving – really it should be him that’s writing to me, asking how to win you back and get you to trust him again.
Even if he didn’t sleep with this woman, what he did was wrong.