Gillian Busera’s childhood experiences with her aunts made her more intentional about how she would show up for her own nieces and nephews. When she was young, she was constantly sent to carry out tasks for her aunts, who visited during the holidays.
“I did not like that they would not want to lift a finger at all because we were around. And the one who accepted doing things at their bidding without complaining would be crowned their favourite,” Gillian says.
She was their favourite, but that tag carries scars for her that she doesn’t want to pass on to her nephews and nieces. It also brought favouritism and discrimination, with the other siblings deemed as stubborn.
“I don’t have a favourite niece or nephew; I treat them all equally. I don’t punish them when they make a mistake; I always correct them lovingly as many times as that behaviour crops up because I trust that they will understand what they did was wrong, and they usually do,” she says.
Gillian is aware that the kind of bond a child forms in their early years determines their attachment style as adults. As both a paternal and maternal aunt, she is keen on maintaining a close relationship with both sides. An involved aunt, she aims to be part of their growth. She also knows how to weave in playfulness; every other evening, she dances with her nieces and nephews when they visit during the holidays.
She introduced Korean songs to them, and they sing and dance to them while singing the lyrics to the songs. When they are apart, they talk about new songs, and they sing together in video calls.
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“I want to entertain them and for them to feel free, so they know they can open up to me. I want a friendly relationship with them because I am their second mother,” she says.
For long, tales have been told of aunties who scrutinise the lives of their nieces and nephews, ready to give unsolicited advice. It is in family festive gatherings that these mostly happen.
A new set of aunties is changing the script, which is dotted with mutual respect and warmth. In conversations with people, they enjoy fulfilling relationships with their aunties, who make the festive season warmer and lighter.
These cool aunties are present, mindful, attentive and supportive. They engage with younger relatives without judgment and offer advice and guidance without being intrusive or overbearing. They avoid overstepping boundaries and asking questions about marriage, parenting, career or any other life choices, instead creating spaces where younger family members feel safe and valued for simply being themselves. Their presence at family festive gatherings is one of friendship and guidance. Through this, they open a new era of aunthood.
Merlene Oyoo has circled December 23 on her mental calendar, eagerly anticipating her visit to her aunt’s house. She can’t wait to feast on the delicious meals her aunt will cook and to be taken care of. Her presence at family festive events makes a huge difference for Merlene. The moment she is around family gatherings, you would know she’s there for her lively personality and hearty laughter, she says.
She is mesmerised by her aunt’s beauty and youthfulness, and her flexibility, good listening skills, friendliness, and easy-going nature. When she realised that she could tell her anything without judgement and shame, she felt relieved. She talks to her about anything, from finances, love, life, and marriage to anything that she experiences.
“She is a free spirit who is easy with her advice. She understands me and empathises with me. I also like that she shares the same name as my mother,” she says.
Describing her as her best friend and sister despite their age difference, she says that this has been established by their friendship and companionship.
“She is actually the wife of my maternal uncle, but I see her as my best friend, sister, partner in crime, and confidante. She is my ride or die. We started building this friendship when I was in high school more than a decade ago,” Merlene says.
Raymond Muthee describes his aunt as generous and mindful of the family as a whole. When she is out and about, she thinks about the gifts to get everyone, especially her nieces and nephews. Growing up, he would look forward to family festive events to see her, as she would always bring him something when she returned from the UK. The most memorable gifts from her were a piano and a whole set of toys, which included a plane, a runway, and so on.
Now, as an adult, Raymond has come to appreciate more about her: that she can bridge the gap between guidance and friendship.
“She is not too parent-like. She goes to my level, and that makes it easy for her to relate to me. For instance, since I am a journalist, she engages me on topics that I like. That makes her approachable. She is a lecturer, so it is easy to interact with her,” Raymond says.
His aunt also supports him in his career by linking him up with people who are relevant in his field.
“She is a big supporter of my work. She reads my work, checks on me, and even hosted me for some time when I came to Nairobi for the first time in 2007. I see how she stands up for her siblings, even extended family,” he says.
He defines a cool auntie as one who is present. “I believe that parents cannot always be your friend. An aunt bridges the gap between friendship and parenthood,” he says.
Grace Kanana describes her aunt as cool and supportive, who showed her what it means to be present. A few years ago, Grace faced an obstacle, and her aunt quickly stepped in and did everything for her that she needed. During holidays, she would always buy them clothes for Christmas and take them to the park to enjoy the day with her.
“She has a nice heart. She is generous, and she won’t question why you want something,” she says.
Grace now incorporates the same spirit in her role as an aunt by providing a listening ear to her nephew.
“I always listen to him whenever he has issues. The way my aunt has been present in my life, that is how present I am in my nephew’s life. I normally advise him and show him that I am a safe place for him, that he can come to me when he has issues because I won’t judge him,” she says.