CHANGE OF WIND
A month ago, the siblings had their end-of-year planning meeting where they agreed to fly their parents to Nairobi and host them for a holiday treat, a moment they will seize to share family dinner, make thanksgiving and exchange gifts.
As the parents get treated to a trip to Diani with the full services of a tour operator, an expense that has been catered to by the children, the siblings will for the first time enjoy their newfound freedom to plan their holiday season according to their wish. It is a reprieve, a change of wind that redefines the Christmas holiday season in modern times.
There is no denying that at the convergence of Christmas holiday celebrations and family rests the foundation of tradition where the extended family and feasts rise to the occasion. Whether it is a reunion upcountry where mbuzi choma happens or the toasting of wine and exchanging gifts around the Christmas tree, the moments are always magical.
And even though this is a culture many have grown with having been practised since time immemorial, the pressure to maintain such ties has gotten many to give in to the stark reality of the times. The reasons for the change are unique and diverse, propelled by different family situations.
"Growing up, we always used to travel upcountry for Christmas where we would join our grandparents, uncles, aunties, cousins, nephews and nieces for celebrations. We don't travel upcountry anymore. Our grandparents passed on and our parents live here in Nairobi since we are all grown, everyone always seems to have their holiday plans. We pick a day to have a family holiday lunch or dinner at our parents' residence for thanksgiving after which everyone goes on with their plans," says Eve Maina, a 24-year-old business executive.
"My fiance and I have planned to spend the season together with a one-week holiday trip planned for Dubai. This does not mean that I do not love my family. It is just the reality of the times. As much as mum and dad would like me to be around them as their last born, I cannot do so as I am a grown-up who is entitled to live life as they wish," says Eve.
According to her, some holiday family practices will have to die naturally with new generations dictating what is good for them according to changing lifestyle trends.
PURCHASED PRESENTS
Elsie Mwaisakeni, who got married to her long-term boyfriend Kevin Musyoka, this year, will for the first time have her Christmas celebrations outside her father's family setting. The couple has been discussing holiday plans with a dilemma of keeping their two sets of parents happy.
While Elsie's parents would wish she takes her new husband to Taita Taveta where the parents reside, Kevin's parents have been keen to have him introduce the new member of the family to the rest of the homestead as they await to celebrate her.
"As a new couple, we honestly find it tricky balancing the act. There is so much expectation from our in-laws and everyone around our families, yet we also have to keep the focus on our plans as a couple. We are also trying to be clear in our mind that we are an independent family that has to run its plans," Elsie tells Eve magazine.
"As much as we have purchased presents for our parents and have the best for them at heart, we might not have as much time with them as they would probably wish," says Elsie.
Elsie says that ordinarily, she and her siblings would drive to Taita Taveta to their parents' where they would all enjoy Christmas. It is something they would traditionally do over and over. Like her, two of her siblings are now married with children and are finding it hard to keep the old tradition. She says the conversations during family meetings have been tough with the new shifts becoming inevitable.
"We all want to keep those old values. Our parents still want to see their grandchildren and be part of them as they grow. There is probably a need to have honest conversations about why things might not remain the same. There is also a need to spare time to keep the family bond even if this does not happen around Christmas time," says Elsie.
For some, the issue of holiday visits comes with challenges bordering on culture and traditions. Koome Mwiria* comes from the Meru community where one is not allowed to spend a night in his father-in-law's house. And as much as he would not mind sharing some Christmas holiday time with his in-laws so their two children can bond with the rest of the larger family, his luxury to do so is limited.
Koome's wife on the other hand has kept a strong bond with her family since she got married to Koome seven years ago. Thus, the couple has an agreement that every alternative Christmas, she visits her parent's family.
"Since traditions are that he cannot spend a night inside my father's, his father-in-law's house, he usually drives me and the children home where we share Christmas Eve before leaving us behind for several days. During such times, I can say we have separate plans as he can end up visiting the other family back in Ukambani. Still, then, it remains a thorny issue as his parents will always question why the children and I did not accompany him," says Koome's wife.
Monumental moments can also change how we treat the holidays. It could be a divorce, the death of a loved one or even family differences.
DARK THOUGHTS
Tabby Mwende* (not her real name) lost her husband four years ago and the relationship between her and her in-laws has not been rosy. To make it worse, the timing of Christmas, which happens to be the season the husband died is a dull moment that brings with it gloom and dark thoughts.
"I have found it hard to spend the holiday at my in-laws since. I opt to spend time with a close friend or my brothers and sisters. I no longer plan for a big celebration as I used to do when my husband and I would lead those family feasts. Times have changed for me," she says.
Trying to please everyone in your care for them during the holidays by devoting hours and days of visits and being together can be overwhelming. While the challenges of adjusting to the realities of an expanded family and changing priorities remain real there is a need for understanding from everyone why these changes are necessary.
Gabriel Gichuru, a 68-year-old is a retired civil servant. Together with his wife, ditched family holiday festivals and traditions years ago after they had their firstborn. They would stay at their South C, Nairobi, residence and invite any of their relatives or friends who would be available for the Christmas feast.
As much as Gichuru's mother, their only surviving parent, would want time with them, it became more clear that Gichuru and his wife had to get time to celebrate with their children.
Now, their children are grown and married. The in-laws are more. It is back to reset as Gichuru's children have their plans - and their children too are calling for flexibility in Christmas plans.