My mother has been a widow for 12 years and over the years I have seen her date different men who always break her heart. I think it is just about to happen as she is in love with a married man. His wife and many other people know about it and according to her he is in the process of divorcing his wife. However, it does not seem so as he always goes back to his wife even after spending days at our place. I am worried about her because she is so vulnerable and lonely but I know where this will end. I want to help but I don’t know how. I am 22 and the first-born. Please advise...{Opara J}
Your Take:
Opara, your mother knows that he cannot divorce his wife for her, but she is comfortable because she is getting what she needs from a man.
You can encourage her to remain in this relationship though maturely by praising the current man and his family so that she continues to understand that this man has a family to take care of too without any pressure or demands from your side.
{Shinanda Wilbroda, Kakamega}
I have seen this happening several times and so as her son, you need to lovingly confront her and remind her of the facts she already has but is choosing to ignore. She needs to stop interfering with other peoples families and live her own life.
(Geoffrey Kawanga)
Opara, you really care about your mother. However, you may not have the authority to discuss matters regarding your mother’s love life. You may involve a relative but you cannot solve this alone.
Again, you do not know the agreement they have between themselves so do not presume that her heart will be broken. The only help you may give her are prayers and moral support. Otherwise take heart because after every hill there is a valley.
{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}
Opara, your situation is rather a complicated one. It is hard watching someone you care about suffering. The best thing to do is to have a talk with her and make her understand that you love and care about her so much and this is why you are concerned about her.
Outline the challenges of being in such a relationship and leave everything else to her as she holds the final decision.
{Calvin Queens}
Opara, I understand your dilemma but, it would be lack of respect to engage yourself in such matters. I advise you to desist from such behaviors since you are a grown-up person who understands this. However, you may approach her through her next friend.
{Robert Ojou}
Counselor’s Take:
When a lady is involved with a married man, that situation is already highly inflammable. When his wife knows about it, it gets only worse because women are known to go to extremes to protect their territory – at whatever cost.
However, we also need to appreciate the situation from her point of view before condemning her. Just like everyone else, your mother has social, physical and emotional needs. These needs include social support which in most instances she would get from her fellow women.
It may shock you to know that women judge their fellow widowed and divorced women so harshly that they are left with no option but to fall in the hands of men most of whom are always waiting to take advantage of women in despair. I would not therefore be quick to judge her for I know it is circumstances that have driven her to this.
Second, you also may not know what kind of support he is providing for her. He may be providing financial as well as emotional support which is essential for any human being and she may be comfortable with this in spite of the glaring facts.
She may be choosing to enjoy it while it lasts. However, the fact that his wife knows about this brings another twist to this situation. He may actually be serious about marrying her but I bet my life that he is not going to leave his wife. At best he may only take her in as a second wife.
For this, he ought to put some money where his mouth is by doing what needs to be done culturally or otherwise then everybody else except his current wife will be happy.
Finally, there is nothing much you can do about this situation apart from seeking the help of a relative. Remember that to her, you will always be a baby and as such this matter is way above your scope. The good thing is that she is aware about all the facts so if she gets hurt in future, she will not blame anybody else apart from herself.
Yes, she is intruding into someone else’s territory but remember that he also has a big part of the blame on his tab. You may not be in the know of what they discuss behind closed doors and the other things they promise each other.
She is mature enough to take care of herself but it is really nice that you are concerned about her. Keep this up but know that this matter is way above your scope. Remember however, just like any other human being, she is only trying to survive – the only way she may know how. {Taurus}