Edward Indakwa

For me, the finest tribute – poetically speaking – to Wangari Maathai was from Jakaya Kikwete of Tanzania. The former spymaster said by tweeter: "A great woman, an inspiration for many women across Africa, a magnificent visionary and embodiment of courage." That is the sort of statement that makes you stop and pay notice. If you tear glands are excitable, one or two drops would be in order.

Now contrast that with an excerpt of what our President said: "We recall, with gratitude, her active participation in the agitation for political reforms in the country and her exemplary performance as a Member of Parliament for Tetu constituency and as Assistant Minister in my Government in the Ministry of Environment, Natural Resources and Wildlife." Yawn.

In general terms, lively poetry in a newspaper is reserved for the sports pages. Ingwe gores Gor; Prisons gun down Sliders – stuff like that. But the finest prose is reserved for eulogies.

That is why the President’s tribute falls flat. It’s impersonal. One would have thought the two never knew each other personally, unlike Kikwete who threw those lively, poetic, emotive sentences at us. Powerful stuff. What is annoying about this is that Tanzanians generally speak dodgy English, a close relative of the stuff spoken in Mombasa. So why would their spinners manufacture a more serious tribute, for our daughter, in English, which is practically our mother tongue, than our spinners?

But then writing windy speeches is just one grouse that I have with the people who spin information for senior politicians and the Government. I cannot for instance comprehend why the Government is not ‘communicating’ about the shilling.

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Reassurance

We need to know what is happening. We need to be reassured, forewarned and advised. We don’t want to read analysis from newspaper journalists and fiscal experts. We want our leaders to get on radio and tell us, "Wananchi tukufu, kimeumana (things are tight, citizens) but we will get you out of this mess." Instead, silence, confusion, more silence.

I used to imagine that Government Spokesman Alfred Mutua used to talk too much, but now that he has been rather quiet, I kind of miss him. Of course he used to create spins as unbelievably elephant-sized as the Kenyatta Conference Centre but heck, at least he tried.

When politicians turn up for outdoor events on sunny days wearing black suits and white shirts, it means their media people forgot to warn them you can’t turn for a football match on Sunday in a tie.

When politicians launch presidential events on the wrong days, in the wrong places, with the wrong crowd, wearing the wrong clothes and saying the wrong things, those in the know wonder who manages their communication strategy.

That is why, when the Orange team unleashed their campaign against the draft Constitution in 2005, wisened people were unanimous in their verdict: Must be foreigners. Kenyans are not running this thing!

Why they won’t kidnap Kenyans

As a patriot, I feel rather stung that when Somali bandits sneak into Kenya on a kidnap mission, they ignore our worthies and go for tourists, although they are fully aware of the dangers involved.

What this means is that they believe that the life of a foreign tourist is more lucrative than that of a Kenyan. I mean, why else didn’t they grab a senior government official, for instance? One may say they were afraid that kidnapping a senior government official would be a declaration of war. But I doubt it. Not too long ago, a Moyale Kenyan magistrate was reported to have spent a night in a cell across the border in Ethiopia. Only elders went to negotiate for his release.

As we speak, two Kenyan soldiers have been missing for over two months since they wondered into the wrong bush in Somalia. No Kenyan remembers their names or cares. Of course security officials have not toured the aforementioned bush promising to leave no stone unturned. Now, if we tried that sort of rubbish with a French or American soldier, they would bomb Nairobi to bits.

Comedian Mwalimu King’angi brought a very fresh perspective on this matter. If Somali bandits captured a Kenyan, they would be wasting their time. No one would be bothered with ransom. No one would look for them.

In fact, he added, the possibility that his family would dump a suitcase full of his clothes at the border and say good riddance is quite high. Ask yourself one question: If people in Mombasa routinely lured Saudi Arabians to Kenya as domestic workers, confiscated their passports, beat them up, fed them badly and worked them like slaves, do you think the Saudis would still be smiling and talking about our two friendly nations?