By Kiundu Waweru
These pages were designed for women but thank God that in this forum, Opposite Sex, men like me can air our views, reach our brothers with some advice and steal a glimpse into the woman’s instinct. Today, indulge me as I try to paint a picture of the assured man. Ladies, make those dudes in your life see this!
As the rest of Kenyans celebrated the fruits of their labour this May 1, my buddies and I numbed our feet, perched on rickety counter stools at our local as we treated our throats to frothy liquids.
Many empty brown bottles later, inhibitions broke down and the conversation became wild and sincere.
Yes, of course, it was about women.
Johnnie, the self-confessed computer genius who was calling the rounds, confessed that he was calling no shots in his many relationships.
"In fact, that is the reason I am in many relationships," he said.
Surprise! Could Johnnie not be getting a good deal? What about all the lasses hiding under his arms?
"Get out of here man!" I retorted. (Sam and Alex burst out laughing).
Unrelenting, Johnnie said almost in a whisper, "Please boys, help me out, how do I get a woman to bed? Whenever I reach this stage, they all disappear".
Enter the barman — I had not noticed him eavesdropping.
"I know your problem Johnnie, because I have seen you around here with women, playing the ultimate desperado and succumbing to their every whimsical demands. Here is some secret to keeping a woman and going all the way…" he said.
We all looked at the red-eyed barman, wondering what he could possibly know about women, God’s gift to mankind. He was not a young man, and he probably had a bag of tricks up his wizened face, having met many women in the course of his noble career. Automatically, we all leaned into the counter; shoulders hunched.
"Rule of the thumb, number one — play hard to get," said the barman, adding: "Women hate weaklings. If you seem to be on her case always, calling and demanding to know where she is, she will not respect you.
Don’t be too available: set up a date, and cancel at the last minute. She will be mad as hell, but women love mysterious men."
Grabs our attention
We now had gained some interest. He turned to Johnnie and admonished him coolly telling him that he was just a toy boy. "Women love you because you are generous, and they probably tell their girl friends that you are there to maintain their lifestyles.
You probably don’t get some because you don’t know how to play to their heart. You make it obvious you want to get them to hit the sack. Of course, this is your ultimate goal, but always be subtle, brother," he said.
The barman added he had noticed that Johnnie used big words with the lasses, trying to impress and discussing computer operating systems while out on a date.
"No son, women love simplicity, be funny and cocky, talk dirty and flirt a little. When you lack words, look around you, make fun of that couple over there, discuss current affairs like the sex boycott and be sure to ask for her opinion."
Coming from the unassuming barman this was definitely interesting. He particularly zeroed in on the mystery man. "Show them that in the relationship, it is them who stand to benefit. Be unpredictable.
Answer her question with one of yours. She might ask, "Where do we spend the weekend?" You could respond, "Where is the ideal place?"
Create anticipation
The barman added that women find a confident man irresistible. Such a man never complains, is strong-willed and assertive. He explained: "Tell her you need your own time to be alone and reflect. For good measure, tell her you need to go away one weekend to meditate at the top of a particular mountain, then shack yourself in your house with several six packs".
He then said that women hate mediocrity or the boy next door. He urged that a mysterious man is the one who knows more than the average Joe, earns more, drives the more expensive cars, and has a superior sense of self-grooming without being fastidious. Be different.
"Try that, and the woman will be wondering what mettle you are made of. It is at this juncture that even today’s woman, who is enlightened and inclined to taking the initiative, can’t wait to… you know what," he joked before winking and adding: "Not yet. Give her a dose of her own medicine. Say you want to wait, at least to get to know her better. This will help in building sexual tension and anticipation".
After he was finished, we downed the last of the beer, paid our bills, tipped him handsomely and slowly staggered home. The wuss, if he existed, had been buried.