Chicks now think men with slightly fat belly are 'sexy'

This column turns two this week after running consistently, not missing even a single week, for which I thank God for granting me superb health.

Turning two, means that I have also grown older, but not necessarily wiser. And a lot has happened. My ultimate campus crush finally got married to some lucky bast*rd. And last week, my campus classmate, one of the most sought after women with perhaps the sexiest body in Kenya, broke the hearts of so many men.

She plastered photos of her being proposed to and boy, did men riot in chat rooms and WhatsApp groups. Why do women plaster photos of themselves being proposed to, if not to spite their exes and crash the hearts of many potential suitors?

What I learnt from our complaints about her being taken is that time waits for no man. Sooner than later, we grow old. Age catches up with you.

Recently, a lady who looked 19 sneered at me when I tried to beckon her in a club. It was so dismissive. I gathered it had to do with my age. When you are my age and you don’t look loaded like a gun, you cannot go after a young woman. They tend to be picky. You must smell like cash to win them over.

There is more. While in the past I could drown 10 browns in one sitting and find my way home, marching like a police officer on Madaraka Day, nowadays, five bottles guarantee a monster hangover.

Nightclubs have become too noisy and naturally, I want women who are slightly older, have some intellectual mettle to sustain an intelligent conversation and are sexually confident. That means a woman above 30. But those in that age bracket are more monied than me, and that is another thing.

I am entering that phase in life where women judge men by their investments, the cars they drive and ability to seal good deals. I am doing poorly in those departments. Thus, I need to work harder, get a few tenders and yippee! I will be home.

No woman will date me for my intellect because you cannot cash in intellect on a shopping spree in Dubai. Neither will any woman admire my great library. It is money, good looks and a great body that matters, not good books! While women are yet to compromise on money and good looks, they seem to be relenting on this body business.

For the past two weeks, the internet has been abuzz about dad bods. In a piece that first appeared in the oddyseyonline website by Mackenzie Pearson, a college student in Clemson, USA, dad bods are all the rage now.

Who has a dad bod? It is your average office boy whose pot belly from beer or keg has started showing. Seems like the slightly out of shape guy is all women want. Basically, a man who enjoys his greasy fries, drinks his beer and goes to the gym once a week.

The Urban Dictionary describes dad bods thus: Once in shape, but clearly has lost most athletic properties. Best suited for sitting at a desk chair, possibly doing one’s taxes.

It is a yet another periodic shift of goal posts and change of rules on the female planet. I asked a few ladies in the office if Pearson’s assertion is true and surprise! surprise! They are.

They now know that only bouncers could be so idle during the day to train for six-packs when other busy men are minting money, real money. You cannot be slaving away in the office daily and still find time to sculpt that perfect body frame. I am so relieved that I don’t have to endure the gym to fight my nascent tummy. I should not be afraid of growing old, after all.

Pearson says women are not insecure with their bodies around dad bods, because it allows them to be the prettier ones in a relationship.

Dad bods cuddle better and women know exactly what they are getting. That is pleasant news for intelligent men, who loathe going to the gym, not for health reasons, but for the shape.

What a happy time to be alive.