Why does it hurt so much when he says no to sex? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

Lately, my husband has started saying no when I want to make love. And it is upsetting me! I know that is not rational, because after all, I expect him to understand when I am not in the mood.

But somehow it seems different the other way around. I am sure that he is not having an affair or anything like that, but I still cannot stop myself from thinking things like he does not find me attractive anymore!

So why is it much more devastating when he refuses me than when I refuse him?


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He's Saying No

Chris says,

Hi, He's Saying No!

Men are used to rejection because it has been happening to them ever since they started dating. So a well-adjusted man thinks it is no big deal.

But maybe you only started to take the initiative with your husband. So when he refuses, it is something you are not used to. And very uncomfortable. So how should you react?

Well, men are put off by just the same sorts of things that affect women. Stress, for example, tiredness, or even mild illnesses. Your husband may have had a bad day at work, or been in an argument. So an occasional lack of interest may have nothing whatsoever to do with you. Do not pressure him, and just help him relax.

But if he is hardly ever interested, there may be a physical cause-his hormones perhaps, depression, diabetes or circulatory problems. If you think any of these might be possible, encourage him to seek professional help.

Relationship issues such as arguments or misunderstandings can also become a huge block. So if you think something like that might be the problem, say so and talk it out, without getting defensive or angry. Good sex is impossible unless you feel able to be open and honest with each other.

Also remember that his desire is not under his conscious control anyway, just like yours, so he cannot rise to the occasion unless the mood's right! And men are never as enthusiastic as they are portrayed in the movies, so they won't always feel desire just because they approach him. Get used to his arousal pattern, and take advantage of it. Early mornings, for example.

And think seduction! In your early days together, there was always a hint of intimacy in the air, but maybe nowadays neither of you feels the urge to sweet-talk anymore.

So try looking at each other when you are chatting and complimenting and touching each other a lot, because all of those trigger desire. And you would be surprised how often teasing can get you both into the mood.

Because anticipation is an essential build-up to passion, and so making love should always begin long before you head into the bedroom.

All the best,


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