How do I find someone I can love forever? (Photo: Courtesy)

Hi Chris,

Over the years I have been in love many times over. But each time my feelings gradually fade away.

Not because my boyfriends did anything wrong, or started mistreating me, or anything else like that, but because for some reason I just fell out of love again.

Why do I do that? I would like to settle down soon and get married, so how do I find someone I will love forever?

Long-Lasting Love

Chris says,

Hi Long Lasting Love!

Falling in love feels wonderful, but it is entirely caused by a whole bunch of hormones that stone us out of our minds. They make us feel high, optimistic, full of energy, and willing to do all manner of foolish things. But they do not last long.

This is why many people jump ship as soon as they feel the excitement wearing off. And they also generally blame their partner, when actually it is just their hormone levels falling back to normal.

Because those hormones only really have one job to do. Basically getting you into bed together. But once that has happened, they have lots of disadvantages.

Like those crazy things lovers do mean that you would be terrible parents! But as a relationship settles down, and your hormone levels drop, it can also feel like love has gone. And so all over the world, a lot of couples break up as that happens.

But that is not part of nature’s plan. Nature does not want you to separate, it just wants you to stop chasing each other all around the house! And concentrate instead on feeding the children and getting them ready for school in the morning.

So another set of hormones gradually kicks in around this time, which helps you feel calm, secure, and happy together. Obsession, excitement, and need turns into mutual support and acceptance. Much better for rearing children.

And it might not feel quite so exciting, but sticking with a long-term partner will give you a whole lifetime of the deeply satisfying kind of love we all crave. But you have to be able to turn your back on all that first love madness.

And some of us just cannot, and so they never settle down. Perpetual bachelors. Girls chase the bad boys while ignoring the nice guy who is waiting in the wings. Guys who keep a comfy wife at home and get their highs from affairs.

It is really quite hard to get out of the habit of enjoying all that craziness, but you should. Because once you realise you are addicted to the highs, you can let them go. And start to build a genuine long-term relationship.

All the best,