I am 37, living and working in a different town with my wife. I am on leave and with her now but she has totally denied me my conjugal rights. I have tried everything I could but for one month she will not hear anything about this and she does not want to talk about it. I think she may be seeing someone else also because the nature of her job is likely to drive her to cheat to get business. Do I call off this marriage and give her time to do as she wishes? I am deeply troubled. {Eric}
Your Say:
You will need help in this situation and that kind of help may only come from a church minister or a family counsellor. She may be having doubts about your fidelity and probably thinks that you have been having extra marital affairs. However, it is good to note that she has her own reasons for doing what she’s doing. Men and women are very different in their approach to sex, when you were away, did you make any efforts in remaining emotionally connected with her? You can’t show up one day and want to get some after being away for a whole year. {Onyango Outha}
Sex is both a God-given right and responsibility in marriage and both parties should ensure that they satisfy each other in this regard. People should not deprive each other sexually— except when they agree for a stipulated period of time and devote themselves to prayer. She is your wife so try and confront her through a credible witness like her best friend or someone else in whom she can confide and you will find the problem. {Andrew Didy Chaplin}
Marriage is a union that requires understanding and sometimes compromise on all parties involved. What reasons does she give you for not wanting sex? If the reasons are valid then consider giving her some time to think through issues and decide what she wants out of life and for you. She is putting you in a position that can easily make you stray so try and sort this sooner rather than later. {Ouma Ragumo, Sifuyo}
The bible addresses this matter in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 so you should try and talk to her to understand her reasons of behaving like this. She may just open up to you and tell you why she is not interested. {Pastor Ben, Bungoma}
Counsellors Take:
Eric there is a wide range of reasons as to why a woman would deny her husband his conjugal rights especially when he is on leave and for the entire time. These can emanate from either side of the relationship. This is to mean that she may be having her own reasons as to why she is choosing to stay away from you or you could have done or said or either failed or refused to do something.
You will need to evaluate recent events that happened before you came for your leave and see if there are issues that ought to be streamlined between the two of you. However, this is highly unlikely because if there were issues, she would have given away some hints or said something.
My thinking is that if the problem is on her side, then she may be having critical information that would probably concern you but that you are not privy to. From your e-mail, I understand that she is in one of those high-risk jobs which then could give some pointers but I think we could have some benefit of doubt and give her some credit.
If you are 37 then generally she would be younger than you so this rules out the possibility that it could be the biological clock taking her off the sex. Do not also rule out the possibility that she could be going through some emotional stress and this always puts sex very far away from a woman’s mind.
The problem could also be with you; have you been doing something that would make her withdraw emotionally from you? Have you betrayed her trust? Have you been carrying out your duties as a man? Have you been listening to her and paying attention to her feelings?
Have you tried really enticing her to sex? Many times a constant “no” from your wife can be an expression of “give me a good reason why I should do it,” or “convince me.” In such cases, surprise her, buy flowers or a gift or do something that will make her feel appreciated and probably want to “reward you” as opposed to asking her, “honey are you in the mood today?” Talk to her, explain what you are feeling and also try and get her side of the story and you may very well find a solution to this. {Taurus}