When adoption is your last and only option

Often, getting married (in African society) carries with it an unspoken agreement to procreate. Children, it seems, are just as important in a marriage as the two parties committing to love each other till death. “All eyes are glued on you in the first one year,” reckons Philomena Wairimu, a mother of two. “The slightest bump on your belly will draw attention and soon enough you will be receiving congratulatory messages.”

When Philomena and John Munyua got married, they never imagined they would be childless 21 years later. Three years after tying the knot in 1996, Philomena and John sought medical help, “to see if doctors could help diagnose why we couldn’t have a child,” John says.

The first doctor diagnosed Philomena with blocked Fallopian tubes. Surgery was done but Philomena still couldn’t conceive. That first visit to the doctor was the starting point of an unending cycle: from visiting a doctor, getting diagnosed, going back home to try out, failing, then going back to a doctor. In total, Philomena underwent six surgeries to correct various things that stood between her and motherhood. “We have used approximately Sh5 million on fertility-related expenses,” John, her husband, says. In 2009, almost 15 years later, the Munyuas gave up and considered adoption. In 2010, the couple received their first child, a daughter. Three years later, in 2013, they adopted their second born, also a girl.

In African society, the concept of adoption is two-faced. For instance, it is entirely normal to adopt your late brother’s child. This child will seamlessly transition into his uncle’s household and become part of it.

Adopting a stranger’s child is a different ball game.

“There is an instinct among humans – like with most animals – that is anchored in self-preservation,” observes Dr Karatu Kiamo, a sociologist. “It is not automatic that a man or a woman just feels like caring for a child who is not theirs biologically.”

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Further complicating the situation are the inevitable thoughts of doubt: how the new entrant will turn out?

“What if the baby is from a family of mad people? What if they are genetically predisposed to be ill-mannered?” These and many such questions, argues Karatu, tend to discourage even the most hopeful of parents from considering adoption.

Even so, there is always hope, on the part of parents who have tried to have children to no avail, that success lies ahead.

Before giving birth to her first born, Cecilia had been trying for a baby for 11 years. She would lose two marriages – blamed by her husbands for not being able to bear children. Today, adoption is among the options offered to those who seek help at Fertility Kenya. “Fertility Kenya was created on the premise that every infertile couple could find assistance in their journey to becoming parents,” Cecilia says. “It is on further research that I realised that for some couples, adoption would be the only hope for them to raise children.” Often, when both spouses are infertile, adoption is the only option into motherhood (or fatherhood). Philomena and John have put behind their tribulations and are now at peace with the size of their family. Except for genetics, explains Dr John Ong’ech, a reproductive health specialist at Kenyatta National Hospital, there is not much difference between adopted and biological children. “A biological parent is one whose egg or sperm was involved in the process of fertilisation that resulted into a foetus and eventually into a baby,” Ong’ech says. “And that is where biological parentage ends.” Through close socialisation with a child, another adult can easily become a parent, Ong’ech adds. Sociology, observes Karatu, is largely devoid of biological reproduction.

“The results of sociology are largely dependent on interaction. And that is why it is said that a parent is not the one who gives birth but the one who raises the child,” he says.

When done legally, adoption allows the new parent all parental rights to the child. The parent in return is expected by law to afford the child love, care and everything that comes with parenting.

Kenya currently has six adoption agencies that are allowed to take adoptive parents through the process. Depending on a couple (or the person adopting if he or she is single) the whole process can range from a few months to several years.

“It all depends on the dedication you put forth through the process of adoption,” says John. It took the Munyuas less than a year to complete the adoption process both times.