I have been dating a man for two years and, together, we have a beautiful 11-month-old baby girl. About three months ago, he disclosed that he is married and has two children. He says they are Christians and he, therefore, cannot marry me as a second wife.
I have been feeling used and taken for granted for this long only for him to disclose when I have given him a child. I am worried about my future and whether I will ever get a man to love and marry me now that I have a child. I want to get married and have a family of my own. I love him dearly despite the situation but don’t know what to do.
Please advise me.
{Nancy}
Simon says
Nancy, I find it appalling that for two years, this man date you knowing very well he was married and according to Christian beliefs he was actually fornicating but this did not seem o bother him much. Now that it is convenient for him, he pulls the “he is a staunch Christian” card. I hope your conscience is clear and that you really did not know that he was married for all the time you dated him. It is somewhat unlikely that you would date someone for that long and not even suspect that he is married. Nonetheless, you had high expectations from him but now they have been frustrated. It is time to move on.
It is no use crying over spilt milk, you will have to count your losses and move on. My fear about this situation is that you seem to think that the child is a burden and hindrance to you having a happy and fulfilling marriage. Yes, men are quick to say that it is difficult to marry a woman who has a child from another man but many of them do exactly that – especially when they find true and genuine love. It’s not going to be easy but it is definitely not impossible. You can still have a good life if you look hard enough.
The most immediate cause of action is to understand what his thoughts are about the child now and moving forward. You may also assess this through other means by answering some basic questions. Has he been supportive with the child (through your pregnancy and after birth)? Is his name of the child’s birth certificate? Despite being married has he done anything to show that he has your long-term best interest at heart? Once you get the answers to this then you may engage him to get his perspective.
The bottom line however is that you have to move on. You and your daughter have to look forward to better days ahead with or without his presence. That child deserves all the love in the world – and she should always come first.
{Simon is a relationships counsellor}
Boke says
It is regrettable that you have spent two years of your life in an imbalanced relationship. While you invested your all in it, he on the other hand, knew very well that you were heading nowhere.
Although that man succeeded in hiding the truth from you for this long, I strongly believe that there were several signals to warn you but you ignored them or you were just too naïve to interpret them.
One thing about liars or people who live a double life is that they choose their targets very well. They can tell from the onset of a relationship if the person are involved with will buy their lies or not. Yes, they can judge almost accurately whether they would succeed with their scheme or not.
He has lied to you and does not appear remorseful, yet you still feel the same affection for him, that, in itself, is an indication that you have not learnt and that he still wields so much power over you.
If you are not cautious or do not put up some guards, you are likely to find yourself going back to him while you know very well that there is no commitment from him. Sadly, if he can cheat on his wife with you, he is most likely doing the same with someone else.
Nancy, you are cut out for a better relationship. Consider this an error and rise up above this. Shut the door of this experience behind you and carry your wiser self away in dignity.
Your daughter cannot be an impediment for a great relationship. This time around be very keen. Someone great who will appreciate you for who you are will come your way.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology
Do men gossip more than women?