Dear Eve,

I have a bed problem with my spouse. I am three months pregnant but my husband claims to feel uncomfortable making love to me nowadays. I feel this pregnancy is making me want sex or rather making out so much, even though he claims even coming into contact with my body is making him uncomfortable.

I understand these changes can happen, but at least a little touching or making out would do me good. What should I do? I feel so "sexsick" that I download porn videos that help me masturbate. I really need your help.

Jane

 

Dear Jane,

Thank you for your question. It is actually a common conundrum in which many couples find themselves but it really need not be. I hope your husband reads this article so he can gain a better understanding of what is going on with him.

You are normal

The first thing I would like to do is assure you that nothing is wrong with you for wanting more sex and physical touch while pregnant. We all know pregnancy brings with it hormones that change us in many ways, one of which is increased appetite. What we too often overlook is that one of the appetites that does increase is the sexual appetite.

In addition, changes such as greater blood flow to your vaginal area, more discharge, getting wet more than usual, heightened sensations to your breasts as well as to your vaginal area can all contribute to your increased sexual appetite. So, to be clear, you’re a perfectly normal pregnant woman and your body and sex drive are responding accordingly.

Understand his thoughts

The next thing I want to talk about is your husband’s reticence in touching you sexually or even having intercourse with you. I don’t know him so I will respond in generalities. Pregnancy, as we know it, is a special and beautiful experience for both mothers and fathers. At the end of it, you get this beautiful, innocent, pure little human who you commit to raise well, to the best of your ability.

Sex, on the other hand, is a often a complex experience for many people. Yes, it feels good (for most people) but it carries with it so many beliefs, connotations and emotions that it can be a lot more complex than it needs to be in thought, word or deed. Some people, for example, consider it dirty, impure or even bad.

Sex can't harm the baby

If your husband happens to be in this category, can you see why he may feel guilty or wrong for doing something dirty in the same space that houses his precious little baby? It doesn’t mean he is right but I believe the best way to approach a difference of opinion is to understand why it matters to the other person.

Speaking of housing, there is a common misunderstanding of pregnancy and its biology. Yes, for most couples, pregnancy occurs as a result of sperm delivery from a man to a woman via the vagina. However, the baby neither lives nor grows in the vagina. The baby lives in the womb, a totally separate area of a woman’s reproductive system. In fact, the baby is very protected from anything that could enter the vagina by the amniotic fluid in which it lives and by the thick mucus plug that seals the cervix, which even protects the baby from infections.

Think of it as a house with different rooms and hallways; the baby lives and grows in one room while the penis and vagina contact one another during intercourse in another room so they really wouldn’t meet because the rooms are separate even if they are in the same house. In brief, a penis – no matter the size – cannot reach the baby.

Furthermore, sex – even vigorous sex – will not burst walls of the baby’s room, ok? For as long as your doctor gives you the ‘go ahead’ i.e. a clean bill of health, please do have sex and touch “make out” to your heart’s content. Just remember to take things slow, even on your ‘tried and true’ sexcapades.

Talk about it

It would be useful for you to find out the specific reasons why your husband is not receptive to your desires during this season of pregnancy so you can both address them. The main thing is that you both allow open communication on this matter. Remember too, that there is plenty on the sexual spectrum that can be satisfying to you both so avoid taking a hard line on any one thing or two. Finally, create a safe space that allows both of you to speak openly about what feels good and what doesn’t.

I hope you do have a fruitful conversation so that you are no longer “sexsick” and become “sexwell” moving forward. Wishing you and your husband lots of “succsex” as you look forward to your bundle of joy.

 

Maggie Gitu holds an MA in Marriage & Family Therapy. She practices as a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist. Reach her at gitumaggie@gmail.com or via her Facebook page: Maggie Gitu


Sexual healing;sex therapist;pregnancy