By Zawadi Lompisha
"You are nagging me!" came the sharp retort.
"What do you mean? I just asked you why you didn’t bother letting me know that you needed to do some work in the garage, but left me in the house waiting for you," I complained.
"How was I supposed to know you were waiting for me? I thought you were busy reading your novel so I occupied myself. Can’t I do my thing without reporting to you?" he responded.
"So does that amount to nagging?" I asked. He kept mum.
Earlier, we were resting in the sitting room when I picked up a book I was reading. My husband was glued to the television. I thought this was the perfect setting for us to bond. The children were visiting their grandmother and we had the house to ourselves. I had already envisioned how the afternoon would go — read my book as hubby rested beside me; then make a hot cup of something to drink; cuddle up and maybe watch a movie together; then...who knows? It couldn’t be better.
Day is spoilt
Well, my ideal afternoon was messed up when he stood up and walked into the garage. I thought he was going to pick something and then return. However, 20 minutes later there was no sign of him. I followed him, only to find him under the car tinkering with some part of the wheel.
When I inquired why he hadn’t informed me about what he was up to, his answer had taken me by surprise. Had he known what nice plans I had for the afternoon, he would have appreciated my query. A possibly romantic afternoon quickly vaporised into an argument-filled one.
I wasn’t finished with him though, and insisted I needed to understand just what he meant when he said I was nagging him.
"Can we discuss this later in the evening?" he requested. That was a signal that he was not in the frame of mind to discuss the matter just then.
Later that evening, we sat to discuss our disagreement.
"So what did you mean when you said I was nagging you?" I began.
"Well, it seems to me that I can no longer do anything without your supervision," he began, adding: "You want to know where I am, what I am doing, why I am doing it and to even volunteer tips on how I could do it better. I feel you are more of an overseer than my wife". Ouch! It hurt.
Was I such a nag?
"Please give me some examples?" I said with a hard, big potato in my throat.
"Well, take today for instance: You quickly accused me of abandoning you in the sitting room. But I had noticed how busy you seemed reading your book and I, sitting there doing nothing, thought I would be better off sorting out the car," he explained and went on: "You didn’t let me know your feelings and I wasn’t being malicious or anything when I walked out". He continued to explain that the day’s incident wasn’t just the issue.
Recently, I seemed to have a say in everything he did. I would ask him to change the shirt he was wearing, complain that he needed a haircut, comment on how he was driving, marshal him around the kitchen on what he could and could not do, hint that he needed to enrol at a gym because his midriff was growing, lament that he didn’t seem to be tidy enough around the house; in short, he wasn’t ever getting it right.
Does not measure up
"I just don’t seem to be doing anything right nowadays," he moaned, adding: " I feel as though you want to control me and I don’t like it".
I’ve done some soul searching since then and I admit that my husband has a point. It was alarming for me to realise that I was turning into a control freak and giving my poor hubby little space to be himself. As I tried to whip him into shape, I ended up becoming a nag.
All in all, he hadn’t changed much from the loveable guy I met many years ago. I was the one changing and unfortunately, it was having a bad effect on my husband. After some reading, it has become apparent that the phase I am going through happens to wives as they progress in their careers.
How it manifests
The higher she scales the corporate ladder and with the added responsibilities she acquires, the greater the risk of becoming a controlling spouse back at home — which somehow becomes an extension of her career. The danger with that is, she may alienate herself from her husband, who in turn feels slighted and emasculated. Often, he will fight back and the marriage soon turns into a war zone.
"I want you to remember who you married. I haven’t changed much over the years and the things you liked about me, still last to this day. I will try and improve on them, but I want to remain myself," he said firmly.
One of the things that drew me to him was the fact that he never shies away from telling me the truth as it is. It has always kept our relationship open and honest and helped us tide over very rough times.
That evening I heard him loud and clear and it was for me a wake up call.