Dear Eve,
Please help me. Ever since we had our son a year ago, my wife has not wanted to have sex with me. I thought that by now we should be able to have sex. Please help me!
Ken
Dear Ken,
Let’s spend some time talking about this experience and how it can impact a relationship, with the hope you will gain some insight into what could be going on.
Imagine it: One day, you’re in a relationship going about your normal relationship business when BAM! You’re expecting a baby. This can be one of the most overwhelming human experiences, for better or for worse. The next 9 months are punctuated with congratulatory messages, hope, preparation for the little one’s arrival, endless thoughts and prayers, countless hopes and dreams, and more.
However, they are also marked by anxiety, worry, or even complications (for some women), none of which is helped by the fact the mother-to-be’s body is flooded with hormones that can send her to the highest emotional highs and the lowest emotional lows; even her appetite changes, her body changes, and her mind is constantly preoccupied. Her life almost ceases to be her own!
By the point, it is time to deliver, she is more than ready to meet her baby and enter this new phase of her life, except that for some women this becomes yet another difficult season of self-doubt, feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of motherhood, postpartum depression, and a near-obsession with her baby. Let’s not forget that the process of childbirth itself – whether vaginal birth or via C-section – can wreak havoc on a woman’s body and self-esteem before, during and/or after the fact. Maybe this is why we Kenyans often say “heshimu Mama”!
Now, does this mean your needs are irrelevant or unimportant because you did not carry the child, birth it or are not a woman? No, absolutely not! Your needs absolutely matter. However, if you wear a different shoe for a few minutes and see how it fits, you may better understand what is happening, and therefore make some decisions about how you would like to handle things moving forward. My advice?
Your wife could be beyond exhausted: Ask yourself, how can I make some things easier for her? Is she the only one who attends to the baby when it is fussing, night and day? Is she responsible for the pre-baby chores as well as the post-baby chores? What can you do around the house, baby-related or not, that can ease her life?”
Your wife could be going through postpartum depression (PPD: Does she seem like herself or is she angrier, moodier, or more emotional than usual? If you even suspect PPD, you must get her help. Speak to her doctor, her mother, her favorite auntie, her closest friend(s) or whoever else you know who loves her enough to walk that journey with her. A woman in this state needs medical attention, help with the baby and a lot of emotional support from you and other loved ones. No lecturing, no chastising, no tantrums; just time and support.
Your wife could be feeling her least sexy: Her once taut, sexy breasts are now used as portable feeding tubes and storage containers (something that women have actually said to me). Her once flat(ish) tummy now sags and may even have stretch marks. She could be feeling self-conscious and worried about not being sexy enough, shy to be seen naked by you. In this case, remember that she is more than the mother of your child; she is also your lover and your friend. Take care of her body and her heart. Remind her that she’s beautiful. Compliment her genuinely, hold her and increase your non-sexual touch if this is important to her. Love her and take care of her like you did before she got pregnant; even more.
Your wife may need time so ‘give time, time’: A year may seem like a long time but in reality, it isn’t. Be honest about your sexual desire for her and yet still give her time to reconnect with her own life and her body as a woman, in addition to connecting with herself as a wife and a mother.
Ken, I hope that something you have read here has clicked enough for you to have an idea of what could be going on and how to help. My hope is that you can be the partner that she needs, knowing that the wife that you knew before will return to you. I wish you the best!
Maggie Gitu holds an MA in Marriage & Family Therapy. She practices as a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist. Reach her at gitumaggie@gmail.com or via her Facebook page: Maggie Gitu