STEP 1: THE LYING PHASE
He tells her lies such as "I want to marry you", "I will never leave you", "Be a housewife and I will take care of you, you don't need to work", "I am a monogamous man, I only have room for you".. Some men say these words not because they mean them, but because that's what the lady wants to hear. Such men will say anything in the here and now, but actually don't mean them. Soon they change and argue for polygamy, say they don't have feelings for the woman any more, call her lazy when she remains a house wife for years
STEP 2: WITHDRAWAL PHASE
He begins to do less of what he used to do before to make her feel special. He no longer spends time with her, no longer compliments her, he becomes cold and mean. She doesn't recognise him anymore, so she begins to nag and complain and he pushes her further away and makes her feel all alone; neglected and rejected
Can you name these iconic women in history?
43-year-old man arrested for marrying Form One girl, 15, as second wife
End of the road for African boxers at World Championships in New Delhi
Kenyan boxers eliminated from World Championships in New Delhi
STEP 3: THE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY PHASE
He begins to blame her for everything wrong, even the things he is guilty of. He makes her question her sanity, makes her apologize for his faults. He cheats but tells her she is the wrong one to go through his phone and discover his affairs. He beats her up then blames her for confronting her to get truth out of him.
STEP 4: THE ISOLATION PHASE
He cuts off her family and friends. He cuts off any support system she might have. She feels threatened to tell anyone things are not OK between her and him. He makes sure she has no friends to run to, all her life revolves around him. She becomes fearful
STEP 5: THE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA PHASE
He starts to insult her, to blackmail her and silence her voice. He calls her prostitute, a loser, ugly, fat, uneducated, a low life that he helped, pathetic in bed, lazy, good for nothing, a failure and uses the sensitive things he knows about her and her past against her
STEP 6: THE LOW SELF-ESTEEM PHASE
He makes her doubt her worth and beauty. He begins to make another woman or women feel special but he belittles her. If he has been having an affair, now he openly and shamelessly brags about the other woman. She begins to feel she is not good enough, beautiful enough or sexy enough
STEP 7: THE FINANCIAL SUPPRESSION PHASE
He makes sure that he solely depends on her and she has no coin to herself. Every property and wealth is under his name. She is overly dependent on him.. She is cornered. She can't go anywhere because she has no money and is isolated. If they have children, she stays because she fears where she will start as a mother with no money
STEP 8: THE DOMINATING PHASE
He imprisons her in a toxic relationship/marriage. She feels powerless and regrets ever meeting him, loving him and bearing children for him. He crushes her, until the day she will get herself out of this prison
I write this to act as a mirror for men to look at themselves and ask themselves if this is what they are doing to their women. Many men are slowly destroying their own marriages and the women they once pursued with love. If you are such a man, change. This is unfair, this is not the legacy you want to be remembered for.
I write this for women to assess their situation and to mitigate it before it gets worse. A man should not come into your life to destroy you in the name of love. Love doesn't come to silence you, it comes to hear you and build you.