Making love leaves me in agonising pain for days afterwards

Dear Coleen,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we were each other’s first sexual partner. The problem is, I can’t recall ever enjoying sex. It’s been almost unbearably painful every single time.

I’ve avoided it as much as possible, which was easy at first as we both lived at home with our parents, so the opportunities weren’t that frequent.

However, in September we moved in together and sex has become more regular meaning I’m in pain for days afterwards.

I only told him this last month, and he was really patient and understanding. He did loads of research to try to work out what was going on, and sex that time was less painful and more enjoyable, but still not much better.

The other day though, it was agonising. We did everything right but within minutes I was in tears.

My boyfriend is incredibly understanding and assured me that it doesn’t matter, but I can’t see how our relationship is going to work if I can’t give him a fulfilling sex life. He says it’s not the most important thing, but it is important, isn’t it?

I don’t know what I can do. Why can’t I be like every other woman and enjoy sex with the man I love.

What do you suggest?

Coleen says

OK, first of all you have to make an appointment to see your GP. Don’t let this problem carry on because you’re embarrassed. You could have an underlying medical problem that needs investigation and treatment.

There are several conditions that can cause painful sex, so you might be doing nothing wrong at all and instead need medical intervention.

There could be a psychological element, too, in that if you’re worried about being in pain during sex, then every time you make love, you’re bound to tense up, making sex difficult and painful.

Also, please stop blaming yourself and worrying about his fulfilment. This is about you, too – your health and your enjoyment.

Plus, he sounds like a good guy and obviously wants to help you resolve things.

If there’s no underlying physical cause, then sexual therapy might help, but you have to start with your doctor.

Ask to see a female doctor if it would make you more comfortable.