I am in love with a married man with whom we have 2 children. He stays with me but goes to visit them every once in a while and for years he has maintained that he is not in love with her and that he is only concerned about and goes to see his children. We have been together for 4 years but I am not sure that he will ever be mine because he still seems to have a strong attachment to his other family although he says they have been separated for five years. When I ask him if he is thinking of getting a divorce he says that their marriage was customary and that it is not easy for divorce. I love him too much already and want him for myself. The other family makes me uneasy and I don’t know what to do. Does polygamy really work well for both families? How can I become one of his recognize wives?
{Janet}
WHAT THE READERS SAY:
Janet, you are in a complicated situation. Have you asked him to marry you? If he refuses or hesitates then the message is clear. He is married, you are his side woman and that is how he wants it! Now the question is, can you settle for that?
{Odhiambo E}
You need to take action for the brighter future for you and your children. If you really love him, ask him to share the issue with his wife. This will show if your counterpart is open to polygamy or not. If the three of you agree then he can go ahead and formalize things. Or ask him to guarantee financial support for you and the children which is not an easy thing. If things dont work well – involve his relatives or get advice from a lawyer.
{James Mate}
I was in the same situation like you and I know how hard it can be to know if he really loves her. The truth is that he will never leave her. This will only ruin your self esteem and confidence as a woman. I could not take the trash anymore. I asked him to choose between me or her. In my mind I knew what the answer would be and he confirmed it by choosing her. Sometimes our hearts crave for someone or something without bothering the consequences it will have on others. Our feelings never give us a chance to think about others. Just accept that he loves his wife and will never leave her!
{Amina Ali}
I can’t stand the thought of screwing up a family even if they say things are bad at home. I would not live with myself. If you can go to bed at night alone while he is warmly tucked next to his wife waiting for her to fall asleep so he can go to another room and call you to say that he loves you and he is thinking about you then you should continue doing what you are doing. Don’t you think if you were so great and he loved you so much he would leave her for you? Be straight!
{Suzanne Maina}
SIMON SAYS:
Janet, any typical marriage will go through various phases at different times. Through the phases they also tend to take entirely different directions where some couples remain together even when things get unbearably rough, others lead to separation and some end up in divorce. A good number end up reuniting even after separation and divorce and thus the options are many. In your relationship you have been together for four years and he maintains that he has been separated for five years yet he still goes to spend time with them every once in a while. I would like to understand how often this “once-in-a-while” is as this would also give us an indicator as to where his commitment really is. A man may have several homes and in many instances relationships and they always tell the women in their lives different stories but their real commitment is where they spend the bulk of their time.
Having understood how much time he spends between both families I would also point out that he still gets to spend time with her when he allegedly goes to spend time with his children. Being his wife, and probably certain of the presence of another woman in his life, I can assure you that she doesn’t take this lying down. Rest assured that she is doing everything in her powers to get him back in her house so that narrative that he is only concerned with his children does not hold water. This may be why he is always evasive on the issue of divorce and I would add that even more so, why he has proven elusive on making a commitment to you.
That said, and knowing how difficult the divorce process is then probably in line with your desire to be a lawful wife to him then maybe you could try a different dimension. Since their marriage is customary and therefore potentially polygamous, why don’t you get him to do even the most basic of things to show his commitment? There are many things he can do such as visiting your parents and probably initiating the customary marriage processes. If he agreed to even visit your parents (If he hasn’t) then this would put you on the path. If he as much as meets your elders and pays dowry, you can pop the champagne and know that you know have the other family to deal and live with otherwise now with things as they stand, you have a lot more to deal with than just the other woman.
With things as they stand, you are at risk of being left out in the cold should things eventually work out between them. Use your womanly charm to get him to make some form of commitment because more often than not, there is nothing more appealing to a man than his first wife – especially when he keeps seeing her every once in a while.