I used to be thrilled by the way we talked together, but not anymore (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

When my husband and I were dating, I used to be thrilled by the way we talked together. Not just what we said, but the way that we say it.

I especially remember how exciting it was the first time he whispered in my ear! We developed a private love language that kept us on edge, even though no one around us had any idea what we were talking about. So even after we were first married, we made love so much I wonder if we had time for anything else.

But now, even though we are very happy together, we seem to intimate less as the years go by. Is there a 'right' amount that we should be aiming for? And we do not talk like we used to. Does that matter? Because I certainly miss those loving words!

Loving Words

Chris says,


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Hi Loving Words

There is no 'right' amount of sex between a married couple, though two or three times a week is the statistical average. More may be for new couples, less for older ones. Some couples stick to a pretty regular routine, while others go bananas over the occasional weekend.

So do not panic about the numbers. There are bound to be times when you don't feel like it, and also times when you will surprise yourself! If that is not happening, think first about stress and fatigue, then check out emotional issues like resentment or anger. After that, think about your priorities!

Because when we start a relationship, everything takes second place to sex. Later on, it seems like it is the other way around.

But intimacy is essential in any successful relationship. So get your diary out and cross out a few things. Spend more time alone together, even if you have children. It is easier than you think: buy a baby alarm, enforce early bedtimes, tell older children when they can and cannot interrupt you, fit a lock to the bedroom door and send them around to their grandparents as often as you can!

And do not feel even slightly guilty. Being intimate together makes you better parents, not worse.

Do not feel you have to make love every time you are alone together. Just talk, enjoy each other's company, be attentive, and affectionate, and at least try to respond to every approach.

It won't always work, but a few moments of kissing and cuddling are never wasted. Because your bodies will usually respond, even when you least expect them to.

And rediscover those words of love again. Because they are important, no matter how long you have been together.

And they are seductive so that there always seems to be a whiff of intimacy in the air around a successful couple, even though their words are so subtle that no one around them can ever quite figure out what is going on.

Use your lover's language to appreciate and encourage each other, and to improve your timing. Because it is teasing, hints and seductive suggestions, which align your moods with each other. So work on your lover's words, and passion will last forever!

All the best,