I am married with two children aged four and two but my husband has never wanted to participate in their upbringing except financially. He comes home late mostly past 3am, he spends most of his time in Casinos which have become his second home. He lost his job two years ago and now survives on the money he gets from friends and from the casinos. We don't have a relationship anymore and all he does is leave money for food every morning. We don't even talk anymore and he seems to have lost interest in all of us. I don't think he has another woman out there but I know that his heart and mind are not with me. I am so lonely now and feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life by marrying him. I love him but think that I also need to be loved and cared for. I have done my best to be a good wife to him but I don't know what to do now.
{Salome}
What the readers say:
Salome, you need to find out the exact cause of all these. Don't be in a hurry to condemn. He may be acting out of frustration having lost his job so you may also help him deal with this. At the same time, you need to appreciate what is positive. He is responsible in providing, thank God for that. If he is not seeing another woman, then he should be lauded for that. However, with the time he comes home, he may be doing a lot more than just the casino.
{Ouma Ragumo}
Suppose he was to go missing or decided to get into drugs and women. Treat him like you used to when he had money. At least he brings home what he gets. He may be feeling insecure and unappreciated and hence his coming home late and leaving early. When he looks depressed try and bring some humour to him and appreciates his efforts and you will have him back.
{Tasma Saka}
You husband might have started serious gambling after losing his job. Gamblers are usually stressed and they need a lot of tender love and care. Talk to your husband or his close associates to try and get him to reform and go back to employment. If he continues like this, he will start selling off household items to finance his gambling habits. Gambling is a serious health condition that can cause mental instability so take action early.
{Onyango Outha}
Simon says:
Salome, you are most probably dealing with a man who has a gaming problem and they are often referred to as problem gamblers. Problem gamblers are persons that are addicted to gambling and they often have no time for anything else other than this. As a matter of fact, the casinos know this and do everything possible to make them comfortable by providing food and refreshments (especially alcohol) and in some instances breakaway rooms for those that need a quick nap before getting back on the table – all these for free. This being the case I can assure you that if this is his problem then another woman should be the least of your worries.
He is actually on the downward trend in gambling which is characterized by a gradual increase in time spent at the casinos, loss of job (due to low levels of concentration) and subsequent fulltime engagement in gambling. All this fits within your description and while it is commendable that he is supporting you and the family financially, you ought to know that this is only for the moment. The thing about gaming is that the house will always eventually catch up with the gamblers. When it does, it leaves the victims flat broke, deep in debt, with no relationships whatsoever and without any potential for engagement. When this happens, it is often extremely difficult to recover.
You can help. However, your assistance will only be effective if he admits that he actually is a gambling addict and that he needs help. There is professional assistance for problem gamblers that helps them deal with this issue. This situation requires assistance over a period of time and the good thing is that once someone is on a program, casinos have supportive but voluntary self-exclusion programs that provide the much needed support from problem gambling victims.
Part of the counselling you should both take should have the gaming as well as the marital aspects as there are deeper issues that need to be resolved about your family and between the two of you. Remember, he is a stranger to the family more so with the children and as such there are issues that you will also need to deal with. The most important part of all this is to get him to accept that he has a problem and that he needs a lot of help. It will take time and it will not be easy but it can be sorted out.
Simon is a relationships counsellor who helps couples face the hard truth in dealing with issues towards reaching reasonable solutions.
Dear Salome,
I wish to commend you for holding together all this while. It takes lots of understanding and patience. The role of providing for the family is key for the man but it is not the only role he plays in the family. Therefore his being aloof cannot be justified.
On the other hand, loss of a job can be so devastating for a man, it is not just a loss of income as we may perceive from the female point of view. A job loss affects a man's sense of security, self image and respect. This can be emotionally draining for him. You need more understanding of his current state. Men highly value respect and the loss or even the threat of losing it can be unbearable. This can also cause great anxieties. It is therefore likely that you will see lots of behaviour and character flaws that never existed before.
As you have stated he spends most of his time in Casinos gambling. The gambling behavior can be motivated by the need to relieve anxiety which he is struggling with now. This could pose another problem because one can easily get hooked to gambling which the lack of a job has greatly predisposed him to.With the current market and economic trends companies are downsizing and cutting their operational costs which results to job losses. This is not the end of the road for him. I would encourage you to help him rekindle his hope. If he cannot listen to you he can listen to one of his friends or anyone he esteems.
Remind him of the valuable knowledge and skills that he possess. People have used the seemingly unfortunate events as his, to reinvent themselves for total turn around. Be the ever resounding voice of hope to him. There's hope fo him.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in counselling psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of love and marriage.