Nagging kills intimacy

By Jennifer Karina

Many people in relationships do not realise that they are actually quarrelsome or nagging. It sometimes seems as though one is only reminding their partner of known duties and responsibilities or simply giving directions. Would you call yourself a nagging wife or husband?

Nagging can lead to a vicious self-defeating cycle; it puts the nagging partner in the position of superiority and is seen as controlling, insensitive, mean and cruel.  Although the partner’s reasons for being nagging and quarrelsome may be valid, the other party may not see it that way.

Women are actually more prone to being quarrelsome and nagging, no wonder the Bible has pointed it out clearly; “It is Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife or to live alone in a desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining and ill-tempered wife”.

The justification

Many times the response given by the nagging party is usually about how much they love their partner and that is why they bring things up because they want the relationship to work. What they do not understand is that it is not about bringing up issues, but how they do it in love. Love is the most profound emotion known to human beings, no wonder it is said that, “love does make the world go round!”

For most people, romantic relationships colour their world view bringing meaning to their lives.   Everyone desires to have a great relationship, experience love and romance and live happily ever after. 

Peter had this in mind when he found the love of his life. But now although he loves his wife deeply, he is greatly challenged because of her quarrelsome and nagging nature. 

According to him, his wife is extremely quarrelsome, nagging, spiteful, critical and cynical and this is hurting their relationship.

It is not uncommon for partners to be like this without even realising it.

People can live in such a relationship in denial and not face the challenge, which slowly and surely destroys the relationship.

What are the reasons for nagging?

Feelings and emotions play a major part in nagging or being quarrelsome and is sometimes a way of  exhibiting poor self image, self-centeredness, and is a sure poor means of communication. Many naggers are ignorant of this fact, only acknowledging it when their partner’s bring it up, and at times, may even choose to be defensive and live in denial.

Various unresolved issues that cause a strain on the relationship play a part. They range from money matters, insecurities, sex, trust and unmet expectations.

How to deal with it

Many couples are unable to envision what their relationship will be like on a routine basis.

For those anticipating a happily ever after marriage, disappointment is likely to come sooner or later.

Anything, which can be done, to help prepare for the inevitable changes of relationships is a good investment.

Avoid being the nagging partner and speak your heart out with dignity and respect.

Being nagging and quarrelsome does not provide the intended results. As a matter of fact it only exposes your ignorance, selfishness and instability.

It is not worth the energy.

Cultivate a daily sense of gratitude for your partner.

The writer is a relationship coach and author, Marriage Built to Last. You can reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke