JALASH
What do you make of the name Mshamba?
There is nothing to make of it ...yeye ni mshamba kama jina yake! In other words the name suits him perfectly well.
Why do you think Mshamba likes donning funny suits all the time?
I believe being the shagmondoz he is he tends to think that it is fashionable to do so. Anyway I don’t blame him for it is obvious that it’s now that fashion is getting to him.
Like they say you can remove a man from a village but not the village in him.
Imagine him in cornrows?
He would be some ugly woman selling mandazis by the road side in his native homeland in Kakamega. Infact she would he restricted from visiting certain areas lest he ends up scaring kids, men and women around.
If Mshamba kwachuad a milli today?
He would start a poultry farm ya kuku za kienyeji ...not for sale but for eating! Like the saying goes; Mluya ni kuku na kuku na mluya!
What is your take on big Lunje mamas and given a chance would you ever date one?
Not that I don’t like big women but the fact that I am asthmatic they tend to suffocate me. Luhya women are big naturally and for sure that’s a no go zone for me.
Suppose you were in Mshamba’s shoe what would you change about him?
First I would change my name to Mwendawazimu because the next trait I see in him is madness. He would be ranked among the top mad men within Kakamega market known to target jogoos on the lose.
As a Nollywood actor?
He would play the role of a one eye-painted witchdoctor known to demand chicken, goats and money from clients
Between the two of you who is hotter?
The word hot is an understatement. For your information I am veeery hoot … na madame wamesema ndio. On the other hand, Mshamba is very ugly, short, bigheaded, hairy, Ghai, the list is endless. I believe that is the reason he can’t even date a Nairobi chick! Anytime he wants to be with a woman he must go huko mashenani to meet his own match.
Between the two of you who is more popular with chips funga?
The fact that Mshamba is ugly and cannot date a decent mama makes him a chips funga maniac! I have heard that he even goes to the extent of carrying home the juala or paper used for wrapping the chipos for her chips funga just to make sure that none of them is left behind.
Suppose you were Mshamba’s father and seeing how carries himself how would you discipline him?
The only way to discipline Mshamba is to tie him to a tree, give him hard strokes of cane before leaving him for the night to be rained on without food. This may just instill some discipline in him.
If you were to help get Mshamba a date what kind of a girl would suit her?
A fellow mshamba girl ...dressed in a green promotion t- shirt with chicken, soko ugali, or come get me if you can initials inscribed in it. Her skirt would be a short brown one with a long yellow petticoat (kamisi) protruding from the skirt.
Imagine him as a traditional Luhya musician?
He will be man Omusukhulu based within his home area with not a single fan from Kakamega town. His fans would mainly comprise sugarcane cutters, and small-scale farmers mainly in poultry and maize.
What do you think would happen if Mshamba joined in the cult of Munyoyi - the Jehova Mwenye Inzi guy from Western province who once claimed to be God?
Mshamba is already a staunch member of that cult! You can tell that from his dressing code yeye ni meba (member!)
As a girl?
He would be the village girl anakatiwa na kila man with mucus running down their noses.
Mshamba gully creeping in a reggae club?
That would be a nightmare and insult that would lead to the crowd lynching him for dead. The mabega shaking somewhere within kachmega would work best for him. !
As a member of the SDE writer?
He would simply be Mshambaristic with a column called Ujinga Zangu by Mshamba read by a section of bonokos.
MSHAMBA
What do you make of the name Jalang’o?
It sounds like a pesticide used for killing mende (cockroaches). On the other hand, it could pass for a new insecticide discovered by Kemri.
Imagine him in cornrows?
He would pass as a mama Pima selling Yokozuna drinks.
If you were a lady how would you react to his Katumbo dance?
Gosh! I wonder if it’s a one or half pack?
If Jalash kwachuad a billion shillings today?
He would try hard to propose to American beauty Kim Kadarshian in vain that is after spending the money to try and create an impression.
What is your take on big Luo mamas and given a chance would you ever date one?
There is no denying they have a great past behind them (supporting apparatus), and hence you don’t need to purchase a mattress as a man. And yes, I would date one if need arises simply for the cash then run away to a humble Luhya woman.
But before this, I would need some lessons from a section of Congolese Marios (men who rely on women for their entire upkeep).
Suppose you were in Jalas shoe what would you change?
I would change the title of his once Katumbo dance song to Hakuna tumbo dance. I would also opt to become a pastor somewhere within at Uhuru Park where I am assured of a huge crowd due to my popularity.
As a Nollywood actor?
Jalas would be a night runner in the Odemwingi the Night Runner movie.
Between the two of you who is hotter?
C’mon it’s obviously me. Kwani didn’t you read the 100 top handsome men in the world, me being among the top ten in Hour’s Ukweli Magazine.
Between the two of you who is more popular with chips funga?
It’s Jalash, to prove this I can provide evidence under EVD PT OTP 0020 CHIPS FUNGA recently.
Suppose you were Jalas’s father and seeing how carries himself how would you discipline him?
I will simply disown him as my son and recommend for Mathare Hospital to adapt him.
If you were to help get Jalas get a date what kind of a girl it be?
A maid from Kisumu, Kondele estate who is always in sleepers and extremely dark complexion ready to rumble or throw stones at him when need arises.
As a traditional Luo musician?
M: He would be Otwal Perimeter a.k.a the musical Tortoise.
What do you think would happen if he joined Legio Maria from Nyanza province founded by the late Ondeto who claimed to be Messiah?
He will be the lead drummist but surprise all Legio Maria followers would defect to another religion in protest.
Jalas as a girl?
Unaweza mkatia na bamba ya mbao na aingie box. She would be a shy, ruralite and confused lady whose biggest dream is to have picknick at Uhuru Park.
Him gully creeping in a reggae club?
Wuuuiiiiiiiiiii they would mistake him for being epileptic.
As a member of the Pulse crew?
He would be a columnist dubbed I wish I wasn’t Jalas by Jang’eng’o a.k.a Jang’es.
