Today being April Fools' Day nothing you read here is a prank. Don't also live this day foolishly for that is not what this day is for. Remember too that some pranks can land you in trouble. If you don't believe so just go hurl stones at State House. Then tell GSU guys (if they luckily reach you faster than their bullets) that you were pranking them.
We need this assurance because also in this great paper today are the stories journalists gleaned from President Uhuru Kenyatta's State of the Union address. You must ignore the cynicism and take his encouragement that all is well and the future can only be better.
Yes, the President made his point on what he feels he has done for the country since he took office. The same message had been sent out earlier by his Deputy President William Ruto.
The picture is rosy; roads are coming up left, right and centre. Electricity pole's holes are being dug everywhere. Power will soon be in every school, including those under trees.
The economy might not be growing in the double-digit pace that the 'Digital' duo promised. But then, they are not the ones who released on us the monster parent called insecurity and terrorism and their child travel advisories, whose combined effort killed the tourism industry. Climate change has also undermined agricultural growth and as you can feel, the sun is hotter these days, so how do you expect crops to grow well and contribute its share as our number one revenue earner like years ago?
There is a job-factory now running full-steam and so unemployment either exists in your imagination or you are too lazy to go pick your letter of appointment. There is the Youth Fund, Women Fund, the children fund and funds in CBK vaults and all what is needed is kutenga (set aside). Surely, you can't say the Kenyan women, youth and children are worse off than they were in the 'analogue' administrations that came before us. On education who can fault Jubilee? Haven't you seen that we are galloping towards meeting the universal threshold of free education for all? We are so much ahead of time of the promise of free laptops for Standard One three years ago. You are wrong, we didn't fail to deliver on the promise, it is just that we have been too busy and forgot to give the Education Cabinet Secretary the key to go and open the stores and release them.
But you are wrong if you think that we promised every Standard One child from the time we were sworn in, no. It was a one-off offer and the Opposition deliberately misled the nation in a bid to soil our name. But it does not matter, we are unbeatable and wait till 2032 then tell us if our prediction was not true!
On energy, haven't you heard of the oil wells discovered? You will only know how serious we are when you buy fuel at Sh20 per litre. Only then, shall you be convinced that we are serious in meeting your needs and fulfilling the promises we made that our better days are in tomorrow. Live today knowing it is the yesterday of the tomorrow we promised. Sit back and enjoy life, not listening to unfounded criticism against us day and night? Don't your ears get tired?
Ugali has become cheaper and if in doubt, check if a bag of maize in Eldoret is not selling at Sh2,000 per 90-kilo bag. The cry you hear from the farmers about poor prices is because of incitement by some chaps in Kanu. The truth is we have closed the border with Uganda to ensure no smuggling of maize into our good nation. The reason maize is cheap is because we give farmers fertilizers and seeds. In fact, farmers are producing more at lower costs. In case you forgot basic economics, there is something called 'supply and demand curve'. We may soon send Henry Rotich to Eldoret to sensitise matters on this graph so as to also give him a break from the Eurobond stress Raila Odinga piled on him!
We have also given good jobs to the most qualified and it was not our business to check which tribes they come from. If they happen to be Kikuyu or Kalenjin my friends you can petition God. After all, why don't Kenyans complain to God why he allotted Kalenjins the best genes in the world for running? In fact, we shall be dispatching Senator Kipchumba Murkomen and Leader of Majority Adan Duale to come beat the sense of this detribalised nature of our government into your heads.
By the way, we also take offence with the claim that we lead the most corrupt government ever. Six questions: Who did the comparative study? Who has proven money was lost? Do you really believe the stories cooked by the media and Opposition leaders envious of our record that there is something called Eurobond, NYS and National Youth Fund scandals? Do you really think it is that easy to steal? Finally, when you see us in church praying do you really believe we are hypocrites?
Then those who don't wish this country well are now claiming we are borrowing and borrowing! So what, this is not your mother's money and Mr Duale has an additional duty to keep reminding you. Also, be informed that we shall be sending another team around the country to drum into your heads the fact we have not rolled back the constitutional gains made in 2010. That is pure propaganda and that is fought with just that!
Well we can go on and on about our achievements but since it is April Fools' Day you also have the right to be foolish and to believe every lie you have been told, especially by Mr Odinga. Nonetheless, Happy April Fools' Day from us.
